As soon as Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced their engagement, we were flooded with press releases from brands peddling their wares on a tenuous link to the happy news. Primark brought out (and sold out) 'Sparkle like Markle' and 'I wanna marry Harry' t-shirts with indelicate haste. Smaller companies made the most of the news too, with stonework experts Chilstone restocking what became the 'world's most photographed planters'. With a few months warning ahead of the wedding itself, plenty of brands have come up with products for you to spend your money on, all on a royal wedding theme.
Royal wedding condoms
Harry and Meghan's faces beam out from this box, which is so regal in its design, your Gran could easily mistake it for her usual tea bags on her trawl round the supermarket. Let's hope not, eh, for inside you'll find "four condoms fit for a prince". And that's not the biggest claim on the box.
"The only condoms in the world to play an exclusive arrangement of God Save The Queen and Star Spangled Banner" reads another claim, which left us with SO many questions (How? Why? Again, how?), until further reading informed us that the tune plays when the packet is opened, rather than when the product itself is... in use. It's limited edition, and each box apparently contains a signed certificate of authenticity. Signed by who, we ask. Presumably not the royal couple themselves — this is hardly a palace-sanctioned product, is it now.
Crown Jewels Condoms, £10 per pack.
The confusion the singing condoms generated was nothing compared to the sheer horror we got when this landed in our inbox. Prince Harry's face, larger than life, emblazoned across your swimming costume — except then you need a plus one to wear Meghan. They're from personalisation company Bags of Love, which allows you to upload any image you like to a swimming costume — apparently, these are actual designs that customers have already ordered in the run-up to the wedding. Plus, you can choose to have the ready made garment delivered (£38), or have it turn up in kit form and sew it yourself (a bargain £28).
For a publication so steeped in tradition as Crown & Country Magazine, the launch of a new cryptocurrency was quite a surprise. While the rest of us are still getting our heads around the concept of a cryptocurrency, Crown & Country launched The Royal Coin, officially known to those in the know as ROYL, as a celebration of the wedding. Proceeds from sales will go to three rather relevant charities, The Invictus Games, Sentebale and The Royal Foundation. The currency is available until 31 May 2018.
Windsor Knot beer
In 2011, Windsor & Eton Brewery created a beer called Windsor Knot to celebrate William and Kate's wedding. They've made a new edition for this latest wedding, using British Invicta hops, and some American West Coast hops as a nod to the couple. We notice that Harry and Meghan's brew is priced at £2.25 a bottle, while old news William and Kate's is just £1.80 for a bottle of the same size and strength.
Their faces in chocolate
Chocolate brand Choc-on-choc, which specialises in creating images on chocolate, has immortalised Harry and Meghan's faces (or a vague rendition thereof) in the good stuff.
Cue photos of not-very-lookalikey lookalikes posing at the product launch, while awkwardly holding the chocolate up to the camera. Our favourite part of the shot is the two rubberneckers at the back of the bar.
You can get your chocolate at Harry's Bar in the City, free when you buy a 'Harrypolitan' cocktail, from 9 April. Otherwise, they'll be available to buy from the Choc-on-choc website on the same date.
We Built This City's Royal Wedding shop
We Built This City — the Carnaby Street store which brings together lots of London-based artists — has launched a range of Royal Wedding goodies online and in-store. As well as the traditional, some of the products have something of a tongue-in-cheek twist, which we love. Top of our wish list are these commemorative plates. Yes, that is Ed Sheeran on the left.
But, we do commend We Built This City's For Richer For Poorer range, a collection of souvenirs from the big day which is raising money for the Windsor Homeless Project, helping homeless people in Windsor get back on their feet. It feels particularly apt given the row that erupted over Windsor Council's handling of homeless people in the run-up to the wedding. So we say, if you buy one souvenir, make it one of these.
Royal wedding cushion
Furniture companies Harvey's and Bensons for Beds have teamed up to produce a Union Jack themed furniture line to tie in with the wedding, including these Harry and Meghan scatter cushions. Selected stores are selling them individually for £25 each, or buy them with a matching sofa or love seat (select Union Jack under the 'Fabric' menu).
Biscuiteers' Royal couple
Place an order for a Biscuiteers Royal Wedding Tin. At £45 it's a bit steep for 16 biscuits, but from experience we can tell you that Biscuiteers' offerings are beautifully iced, rack up a fair few Instagram likes, and are delicious once you do get round to eating them — plus they're delivered in a limited edition tin. Otherwise, treat yourself to an edible royal couple for £12.
The official merch
Historic Royal Palaces, which oversees Kensington Palace, has launched an official line of wedding merchandise. At time of writing, it mainly references Kensington Palace itself, rather than Harry and Meghan, but we expect more lines may be added closer to the big day. Watch this space...
The Amazon haul
Amazon can be simultaneously brilliant and terrifying. Among the expected mugs and aprons you'll find Royal Family masks, plus bunting and cake toppers for your street party. Entertain yourself to the build-up to the big day with paper dolls of the couple, complete with a variety of outfits to dress them in. Not big enough? Go for the life-sized cardboard cutout of Harry and Meghan instead, ideal for... literally no situation, ever.
We can only imagine how heartbroken Harry will be if his own wedding doesn't get a homage as... well... as bizarre as this one to William and Kate's wedding.
British pottery company Emma Bridgewater announced a commemorative mug within hours of the engagement announcement. It's long since sold out, but a similar item may be imminent for the big day itself.
Seen any other souvenirs worthy of a mention? Let us know in the comments below.