12 Predictions For London In 2024

M@
By M@
12 Predictions For London In 2024

Time once again (the 14th year we've done this!) to gaze into our crystal ball and glimpse London's near future.

January

As another Banksy artwork is stolen, commentators reassure the public that there are many other talented street artists out there.

February

Crystal Palace players and the Queen

Crystal Palace steel themselves for a long and tense relegation battle, but their woes are only just beginning. The Crown presses charges against the whole squad for impersonating Her Late Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. Manager Roy Hodgson faces charges of sedition and a possible jail sentence. The suit is later dismissed by VAR evidence, and Crystal Palace are awarded an indirect free kick.

March

Elon Musk looks out of the OXO tower

Elon Musk moves the rebranded Twitter to new headquarters in London.

April

Gherkin rocket

The Gherkin celebrates its 20th anniversary with a major relaunch. Elon Musk, watching from across the river, has commissioned the skyscraper into his explode-y Starship fleet.

May

Thongs Can only get better as Sadiq khan wears a thong in some street art

It's the London Mayoral Election. Embarrassment ensues when Sadiq Khan revives Labour's old 1997 campaign song "Things Can Only Get Better", but with a typo in the first vowel.

June

A periscope built into the Monument to the Great Fire

After yet another "London's highest viewing platform" opens in the Square Mile, the 350-year-old Monument starts marketing "London's lowest viewing platform". Clever use of mirrors and adjustable optics allows the column to act like a giant periscope, giving 360 degree views to those at ground level who can't climb the 311 steps*.

July

The British Transport Police register a 550% increase in calls reporting "something that doesn't look right", after someone installs tube security posters upside-down.

August

Kebab building

In response to a national shortage in building materials, construction begins on London's first kebab-based building.

September

A colourised tube ride with william gladstone in a top hat

Lacking resources to invest in future infrastructure, TfL instead directs its meagre finances towards upgrading its history. Long scrapped trains get modern branding and upholstery, while stations retrospectively gain safety improvements — all for the cost of a single intern with iffy Photoshop skills.

October

A London Bridge roundel with 'ist' added after London to make Londonist

Londonist turns 20 years old! Can you believe it? To celebrate the milestone, we approach TfL about tube advertising options. They recommend a campaign commensurate with our budget.

November

Google headquarters at King's Cross under construction
Google HQ under construction since, I don't know... before your mum was born?

Google's new headquarters at the back of King's Cross are finally complete, after what seems like 729 years of development. The Old Street roundabout improvement works are now crowned as "London's most interminable construction project".

December

Original mobile phone
See here for why this bizarre image exists.

As the General Election looms, the Tories make one last, desperate throw of the dice by announcing a new "Heritage BritBus to Make Britain Great And Ye Olde Again". The novel mode of transport draws on the very best of British design, harking back to a golden age of public transport and telecommunication. Critics lambast the mawkish, cynical appeal to nostalgia, and also the impracticality of a bus that's plugged into the phone network by trailing copper wires. Rishi Sunak counters by promising that a well-maintained fleet of Heritage BritBuses can remove the need for HS2 trains between Euston and Old Oak Common.

See how we predicted the year ahead for 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022 and 2023 and leave your own predictions in the comments below.

*Actually, why don't they do this for real? The Monument's designers, Robert Hooke and Christopher Wren, did intend for it to be used as a telescope.

All words, images and bad photoshopping by Matt Brown. (Except the background of September's Metropolitan Railway image... he's not that old.)

Last Updated 04 January 2024