London has a cat café, so we had a think about what other animal eateries London might witness...
Bees of Bloomsbury
The famous cake shops get their first imitator — but with 14 buzzing, indoor hives, this is more apiary than apery. Diners can choose from a range of tempting, honey-based snacks while getting covered in bees. With low, low prices, you won't be stung. But you will be stung.
The Real Giraffe
A joint venture from popular chains The Real Greek and Giraffe. As a PR-friendly gimmick, branches of The Real Giraffe employ a real giraffe as a walking dessert trolley. Customers at mezzanine level will find their bills taped to the animal's ossicones.
Dogs' Dinner Diner
Generic meat-based menu, all thrown together in one bowl and eaten from the floor. You get to take the house dogs out back, and watch them keenly lap up the proteinaceous vomit of earlier customers.
Pret A Badger
Underground, anti-cull cafe with tunnel entrances on several nearby streets. This is the only high-street chain to offer wasp grubs and mouse-in-a-bap — just two treats from its omnivorous offering of ready-made dishes. Ask for the 'Sett menu'.
The Polar Cafe
Inspired by the Rainforest Cafe, but set in a chillier biome. Diners smear themselves in seal fat, huddle round a campfire, and chew morsels of guillemot gristle. Meanwhile, fluffy toy polar bears and penguins (yours for just £39.99 each) commingle with dismal sense of geography.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the writing of this article. All of the real businesses mentioned above are lovely, and would not condone the twisted schemes we've imagined here. Image by the author.