10 Stupid, Made-Up Events Surely Coming To London Soon

By M@ Last edited 58 months ago
10 Stupid, Made-Up Events Surely Coming To London Soon

Only in Shoreditch

Pork-based meal and film with fancy dress at the top of a skyscraper? Interactive theatre told through the medium of hip-hop to promote a book? It seems like every event these days has to straddle as many genres as it can. Surfing that trend (while chomping down on a gourmet hotdog), here are 10 event ideas we're expecting to see by the end of the summer.

Sushi-making class, in the dark, with bingo

Learn to assemble your own maki and nigiri with one of the world's leading sushi chefs — while blindfolded! In just one hour, you'll master the delicate skills needed to become a black-belt itamae, including a long list of Japanese culinary terms made more memorable by their incorporation into a game of blindfolded bingo. Sharp knives, raw fish, diverted attention, no lighting...a winning combination.

Pop-up lido petting zoo

If you want to hang out with sheep and goats and pigs and things, you can go to one of London's many urban farms. But not all animals frolic in haystacks and gambol in barnyards. Welcome to Nine Elms petting lido, where you can splash about in the water with beavers, otters, swans, rats, kelpies and other indigenous wildlife. Organisers assure us that they're fully insured against Weil's disease, so that's not a problem.

Street food foraging

Join Al, seasoned urban forager with 18 months experience, as he leads you on a tour of Hoxditch street food hotspots. Along the way, he'll show you how to scavenge discarded churros, sauerkraut and paella spatter, then refry them into a wholesome supper. Al's 'Whitecross Sauce', made from burrito drippings and pie liquor, is an East End legend.

Vintage artisan craft beer pong

We've all played beer pong, in which you must attempt to land a ping-pong ball in your opponent's drinks. New West End table-tennis diner Wiff 'n' Waffle takes the game back to its roots in the 1950s. The tables are antique, the cups are china or jam jars, and the beer is a limited edition imperial black saison made with Québécois malt, nelson-sauvin hops and finished in old armagnac barrels with cranberries and foraged herbs. All competitors must wear a cravat, and eat waffles.

One long trough filled with American meat all sloshed together with milkshakes and coke and stuff

New Hackney Road American-style diner and concept bar 'Manger' only admits five people at a time. Patrons crouch over a genuine Victorian cattle trough to lap up the latest Stateside flavours. Eager troughsters can use straws, spoons, hands, or 'apple-bobbing dunking style' to get their proteinaceous fix. Our tip: take the 'Slough of Despond' option, made from pulped sliders, Montery Jack cheese, and a kilolitre of ketchup.

Naked urban tree climbing

Also known as 'pulling a Chegwin', the seemingly new craze of arboreal nudity has deep roots. Not only does the practice appeal to innate yearnings for a return to nature but — crucially — it also ironically references infamous 2000 TV pilot Naked Jungle. Clambering nudesters can now be found straddling the boughs of Richmond, Hampstead and — inevitably — Shepherd's Bush.

Taxidermy Tastings

Everyone gets stuffed at these new-concept supper clubs. The Farthing Wood Smorgasbord in Islington has an unrivalled reputation, using only locally sourced roadkill, from stoats to peregrines. Expert chefs are on-hand, to show you how to eviscerate your chosen creature, then extemporise a gourmet meal from the flattened offal. Afterwards, partly qualified taxidermists provide instruction on how to restore the deflated pelt to a grim simulacrum of life.

Vintage geo-cacheing

In a retro-take on the GPS-enabled treasure hunt, participants must dress up as Anneka Rice (as though they're old enough to remember who she is) and use GPS receivers built into the housing of a 1980's-era yuppie mobile phone. They must then solve a series of clues — each read out by Henry Kelly (as though they're old enough to remember who he is) in a Going for Gold 'Where am I?' style — which lead them to the buried cache: a bowl of the suddenly popular mac 'n' cheese.

Ping-pong karaoke burger-and-lobster 1920s prohibition speakeasy basement bar that doesn't take reservations

This one's becoming something of a cliche, but the heady combination of meat, minor racquet sports, singing and forbidden booze is still going strong. Our favourite ping-pong karaoke burger-and-lobster 1920s prohibition speakeasy basement bar that doesn't take reservations is the edgily named Gin'll Fix It, beneath a bewildered kebab shop on Kingsland Road. Ironically, they don't serve gin.

National Frozen Yoghurt Day (Fro Yo Day)

Sadly, we didn't make this one up.

Please use the comments to make your own predictions on upcoming London event mashups.

Last Updated 22 July 2013

Rosie Johnson

KID-EX - Tired of your triplets? Turned off by your teens? Bring your unwanted children along to your nearest Kid-Ex evening. You could go home with a brand new family, just in time for the Summer Hols!


V funny! Loved the description of the "street food tour" which sounds typical of the latest batch of "trend tours" that guides haveto compete
with! I love an event (was an enthusiastic participant in "You Me
Bum Bum Train") but some of them are really a case of "the
Emperor's New Clothes" and are well reviewed just because they
are different.


Looks like someone's been enjoying FoodPit: https://twitter.com/FoodPit

Zoe Craig

Nice. Love the Farthing Wood reference...

Nancy Bee


Join the lengthy queue to access an exclusive pop-up party experience on Peckham's biggest traffic island. Try the latest diesel-based cocktails, served in upcycled vintage Routemaster bus ashtrays, locally sourced pavement kebabs all to a soundtrack of earsplitting grindcore played on distorted speakers. For the truly authentic experience, those staying on beyond midnight can enjoy a lift to the local police station where they will be kicked senseless before receiving a gilt-edged certificate of Edgy Urban Authenticity.


Ironic Burlesque Zumbathon with Pulled Pork and Tapioca Tea?


Edward Hopper evening - wear vintage clothes and pose motionless in a diner for hours on end.
Borisathon - Latin poetry and toga-themed orgy on the top deck of a (real) Routemaster
Flash-bigot - upload selfie clips to Youtube of your best bigoted rant on public transport
Psycho-geology - flash mob armed with hammers and chisels chips pieces from various famous buildings while on acid
London Overground walk - meet up to walk this South London route that goes nowhere near the route of any tube lines
Sherlock-before-you-leap - be filmed leaping from a tall London building while shouting, "I'll be Reichen-back!". May/may not result in real, permanent death.
He's the Gove-nor. Sherry and boiled beef dinner in an oak-panelled room to celebrate London's long-dead, white, male heritage (entry restrictions apply).


I want to go to the go the the Pingpong, Karaoke ... Bar. Sounds great.


You wouldn't believe how close the taxidermy one was to actually happening... I shall stick to just teaching it thanks...