The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say - Vol. 4

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 8 months ago

Last Updated 23 October 2023

The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say - Vol. 4
Passengers waiting on a tube train, with the doors open
You can always rely on a tube driver to brighten up your day... Image: iStock/_ultraforma_

It's back! For the fourth time, we asked Londonist readers what the funniest thing they've heard a tube driver say, and for the fourth time, you came up with the goods.

Also check out: The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say | More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say | Even More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

But now, over to you...

"It's time for human Tetris — welcome to rush hour on the H&C, folks!" - Toby Morrison

"Leaving the station: 'Right, let's wind up the rubber band …and wheeeeeeee off we go!'" - Adam Burton

Platform with signs for both Arsenal and Gillespie Road
Is it Arsenal, or Gillespie Road? Guess it depends who you support. Image: jpellgen (@1179_jp) via creative commons

"I'll always remember when we pulled into Arsenal station the driver announced 'This is Gillespie Road!' (The original name when it opened.) Obviously he was a Spurs fan!" - Roy Young

"I don't know where this train is supposed to go but I am taking it to Kennington via Charing Cross" - Kristine Julika

"When I was growing up we often had to change at Aldgate. They'd shout 'All get on, all get off again' (East End accent obvs). It made us giggle - Lindi Carrington

"This train is being held here while I deal with a daddy long legs in the cab!" - Diana Killip

A daddy long legs
Who knows what could be delaying your tube train... Image: iStock/AlasdairJames

"Anyone know where the brakes are on this thing?" - Cliff Strong

"For those who aren't sure, the doors I keep asking you to stand clear of are the big red slidy things on the side of the train!" - Jim Rutter

"Not a tube driver, but a guard years ago on a SWT who announced, when we arrived at Waterloo: 'Here we are then, ladies and gents: Home of the brave, land of the free.' The train was packed with stressed-out commuters in a mad rush to get to work. It made me laugh" - Clare Cooper

"LET THE PASSENGERS OFF THE TRAIN FIRST, IT'S NOT THE STORMING OF THE BLOODY BASTILLE!" - Sean McEnaney

[On the Victoria line] 🎵 "We are family, I've got all my Seven Sisters with me..." 🎵 - Kathryn Winfield

Painting of the Bastille being stormed
Getting onto a train: it is NOT the storming of the Bastille, comprende? Image: public domain

"Ladies and Gentleman, rise and shine, we've reached the end of the District line!" - Kristine Augustine-Cox

"A Central line train heading into the city terminated at White City: 'This train is terminating here because... it's scared of the dark'" - Mike Hodgson

"When stuck in a tunnel: 'Ladies and gentlemen I have good and bad news for you: the good news is that there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The bad news is, I don't know when we're going to get there…'" - Annabelle Smith

"Brace! Brace! Brace!" - Philip Godfrey

A mind the gap warning on the platform, with a foot about to step off the train onto it
This thing will eat you alive if you're not careful. Image: iStock/georgeclerk

"Whatever is sticking out, push it back in" - Leila Allger

"At Clapham Junction: 'Please be aware of the large gap between the train and the platform, it gets hungry like you and I, and occasionally likes to eat people'" - Shelley Garnett

"The next station is London City Airport. Change here for…[bored sigh]… basically everywhere" - Clare Deacon

"On the Northern line - 'Sorry for the delay, this is due to total management incompetence'" - Steve Miell

And now to end on a touching story...

A DLR train wending its way into a station
Image: iStock/drnadig

"When the DLR first opened, we were on it and I had two excited children sitting at the front 'driving' the train. The lovely conductor asked my son if he'd like to make the station announcement on the microphone. He just had to say 'Ladies and gentlemen the next station is Crossharbour.' My son was soooo excited and announced proudly: 'Ladies and gentleman. The next station is... [big pause while he thought about it]… Skull and Crossbones!' 🏴‍☠️ Haha. Lots of amused passengers. That son is now all grown up and a bus driver. He still does amusing announcements!" - Julie Davie