More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 35 months ago
More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Back in January we asked you what was the funniest thing you'd heard a tube driver say. We were overwhelmed by your responses. Then loads more of you wrote comments, from which we've created this: MORE Of the Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say.

Add your own quotes and stories in the comments below, and who knows, maybe they'll appear in a third article.

Photo by chutney bannister in the Londonist Flickr pool

Tube drivers who should have stayed at home

"Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen, but I've just been sick all over the cab, and have asked control to send someone to help clean up. You'll be pleased to know I feel much better now."  - Ditch

"Apologies for the delay, they're actually testing new self-driven trains. Oh wait, I don't think I was meant to tell you that..." - Scot

Sarcastic tube drivers

"Please stay behind the yellow line. It is located near your feet, is yellow in colour and resembles... a line." - Roo

"I can assure the passenger in the second carriage that it is not raining in the train. Please put your umbrella down." - Matthew Smith

Waiting to leave Stratford a group were running down the stairs and the driver announced "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, we're just going to wait for these people to rush along the platform so I can close the doors before they get here..." [he didn't] When they were on: "AS I WAS SAYING... Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, 20 seconds late thanks to the people in carriage two, who can't run fast enough!" - JoMarie357

"Next station is [romantic] Acton Town." - Sue

"For those of you alighting here at Willesden Junction, welcome back to paradise." - Hannah

Serial offending tube drivers

On the (old) East London Line: "This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close."

Same driver, different day: 5:30pm: "That's it. Run for the train. It's the last train of the day." - EdFLondon

"Please stay behind the yellow line. It is located near your feet, is yellow in colour and resembles... a line." Photo by Simon & His Camera in the Londonist Flickr pool

Tube drivers with door trouble

"This is the third time I've had to re-open the doors because someone's blocking them. If it happens again I'll take this train out of service." - Snapper

"The doors... those big red things... board while they're open, not when they're closing!" - nemethv

"Please do not hold the doors open for your mates, this is a train not a taxi." - Cara091

"Will the person with their bag stuck in the door, or the banker with their wallet, please remove it, or this train won't be going anywhere." - Mark Beckwith

"Please stand clear of the closing doors"
[doors close, and promptly reopen because someone wasn't standing clear]
"PLEASE stand clear of the closing doors. They're closing... now."
[doors close and reopen again]
"The doors are the big red slidey things on the side of the train that open and close. Repeatedly." - Tony Bannister

This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close.

Knowingly funny tube drivers

At St Paul's: "If you're popping upstairs, please have a word with the Big Man as we need all the help we can get today." - Martin Jones

"A diversion is currently in place at this station, so please follow the signs on the platform. I took the liberty of checking them myself, so I know they're there, and if you can't see them... well, you should have gone to Specsavers!" - Obby

New Year's Eve, around 10.30pm, on the Northern line, driver can't close the doors because of someone's jacket/bag/whatever: "PLEASE stay clear of the doors or we'll be here until next year!" - Tamara Schön Čerina

Station announcer on the Thameslink: "Here comes the 19.00 to Luton, 10 minutes late, tail between its legs." - Matt Brown

"If you feel confused, don't worry. As a driver of this train I've been going circles myself". This happened to me on the Circle line. - Imanuel Caushi

Overground at Sydenham: "If you're leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality." - debbiel

"Mrs Thatcher has just announced she is stepping down as prime minister. When jumping for joy, please be careful you do not fall on the track." Photo by smith in the Londonist Flickr pool

Political tube drivers

My own favourite memory was an announcement on the platform loudspeaker, not from a driver. It was in November 1990. "I have to tell you all that Mrs Thatcher has just announced she is stepping down as prime minister. When jumping for joy, please be careful you do not fall on the track." - Ranelagh

Prudish tube drivers

"Could the young couple in the second carriage please get a room!" - Matt. To which commenter called jo replied: "I think that was me! Was it at Finsbury Park?" Good work jo.

Rule-abiding tube drivers

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have to wait here for a moment as there is a red light ahead of us and my boss doesn't like it when I go through them." - potbus

"Please stand behind the yellow line, we want you inside the train, not under it." - Radek Simko

If you're leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality.

Confused tube drivers

"Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed we've stopped. I don't know why. They haven't told me." - Heather

As a tube finally appears out of the northerly mists at Wembley Park, over the loudspeaker comes: "I do apologise for the late arrival of this train - it got lost in the fog." [Station-wide applause] - AliStoneX

"We apologise for delays to your Piccadilly line service this morning. This was due to earlier late running." - Robert Wooley

Overheard tube drivers

District line driver talking to a colleague when aligting from the train at Richmond: "Richmond is very affluent, whereas Barking is more effluent." - Major Diby Dawlish

"For those of you alighting here at Willesden Junction, welcome back to paradise." Photo by Chris Guy in the Londonist Flickr pool

We wish we had this tube driver

Enjoyed a District line train towards Wimbledon a couple of years ago with a chatty driver, who [led] a chorus of Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life (people joined in — at least for the whistling!), between Wimbledon Park and Wimbledon. When we'd arrived at Wimbledon, lots of people stopped by the cabin at the front of the train to talk to him and thank him for what had been such a unique tube ride. - Juliet

On the East London line years ago, the driver would often play classical musical quietly over the speaker. Very relaxing. - Stephen Chapman

Hammersmith and City line: "Sorry for this short delay, why don't you take this opportunity to look up from your papers and smile at a stranger. Or even say hello". - Tracey McAndrews

Tube drivers with ideas above their station

"This is your captain speaking..." - Pina Gatward

On the Jubilee line a few years back, in a big booming voice: "This is the voice of the train! I know you can hear me, Londoners!" - RRuss

Always the doubters

A couple of comments from our first article:

"My apologies for the delay to the service. We forgot to stop at Kentish Town and must now reverse." This is clearly a lie as trains can't reverse... - Conor MacMahon

I have never heard anything like this at all!! Never nodded off in the tube. This is all made up!! - tapesh majumdar

Last Updated 27 November 2015

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