Even More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 19 months ago
Even More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Ah tube drivers. Intentional or otherwise, they really do crack us up. That's why we're proud to bring you no less than the THIRD instalment of this.

Would you suddenly become witty if you found yourself at the controls? Photo: Andrew Smith.

Extremely honest tube drivers

Leaving Chesham one morning, the train stopped and we heard "Just stopping to deal with a small track fire". 10 mins later: "Sorry, that was bigger than I thought!" - Ian Bartlett

"Apologies for the delay... they're actually testing new self driven trains... oh wait, I don't think I was meant to tell you that..." - Scot

On the District line one Saturday night: "Good evening, the next station will be Cannon Street. We will not be stopping at Mansion House due to [pause] a total lack of interest" - MissNik

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid this train is being taken out of service due to some dirty sod taking a dump in the cab" - Rachel King

"Please take your belongings with you. If you don't I'll just sell them on eBay" - Alex

"Due to circumstances beyond my control this line will be closing at the next stop... for the next six months." - Andrew Robert Dragoni-Long

Lack of interest: Mansion House. Photo: Gary Etchell.

One fuming tube driver

A while back on the Jubilee line during summer holidays some kids ran on at the last minute and were messing around so the doors couldn't close. The driver was clearly very angry and decided to have a go at them so shouted "THIS IS A PLAYGROUND *NOT* A TRAIN!" Poor guy didn't bother to correct himself. - Roona

Tongue-in-cheek tube drivers

"On behalf of the passenger with the folding bike, I would like to apologise for hitting you all." - Ruta Civinskaite

On the DLR: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Canary Wharf, change here for the Jubilee line. But please don't go — the DLR is so much better". - Alex

"Sorry for the delay, folks. Just spoken to the control room and they didn't even know we were waiting. Welcome to the Northern line." - Laura Nunn

"This is Leicester Square. Change here for getting drunk and the Piccadilly Line" - Frank Jennings

"Passengers are advised not to give money to beggars on the tube. However, should you wish to give an anonymous donation to your driver, there is a collection bucket at the front of the train" - Rich

The folding bike: an endless source of quips for tube drivers. Photo: Imran Ahmad.

Tube drivers with door trouble

"Sorry for the delay. The driver of the train ahead opened the doors on the wrong side and needs to check nobody fell out." - Rich Hayward

"When you hear 'doors closing', that doesn't mean you throw your shopping, your children and yourself at the door". - Natasha Thomas

"This train is about to depart, please stand clear of the closing doors. [exasperated sigh] The doors are the BIG SLIDEY things at the side". - Jo Ellis Holland

"Please don't use your child as a wedge to keep the door open." - Francis Witt

A tube driver with lofty ambitions

"We're cruising at an altitude of minus 35 metres. The local time at our destination [Cockfosters] is 5.45pm and the temperature is four degrees" - Stuart McCoy

Wembley Park. You might not recognise it if you're a QPR fan. Photo: Natalie Clarke.

Sporty tube drivers

Getting on at Arsenal after winning a game, the tube driver started various Arsenal chants, and said at every station "Mind the gap between Arsenal and Spurs". Best tube journey ever. - Emma Jane (who we presume is not a Spurs fan)

"This is Wembley Park, where you get off for Wembley Stadium. This is as close as I ever get though, being as I'm a QPR fan." - Karl

Culturally aware tube drivers

Southwark on an early Friday evening; station announcer to the driver once everyone had got off or on: "Take it away, Errrrrnie!" [à la the shrunken head on the Knight Bus in Harry Potter] - Free

In the early 90s I was on a Piccadilly line train somewhere around Acton Town. The driver announced something like "Ladies and gentlemen I would just like to announce that all services are running on time. We make these announcements as a way of patting ourselves on the back. And now here's your reward" [cue Thomas the Tank Engine theme music] - daveid1976

Thomas. And his friend, the green one. Photo: Martin Stitchener.

Baffled tube drivers

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay. This is due to...unexplained reasons" - MissNik

"We are sorry that the 17.50 service to Enfield has been cancelled. This is because the train has disappeared. We're going to make a phone call." Later on the same evening: "Ladies and gentlemen, the 17.50 service to Enfield has now been located. It was stuck behind a cargo engine. It's still stuck, but at least we've found it." - MissNik

As ever, we'd love to read your own quotes/anecdotes in the comments below.

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The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say
More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Last Updated 03 October 2016

Jason Baker

Stopped at London Bridge “No need to rush I’ll wait for you, although that’s what my wife said and we all know how that turned out.”


Outside Edgware Road (Circle / H&C) "We'll be entering the next station after the driver of the train in front of us has finished telling his life story to the controller"


As we sped through the station 'This train will not be stopping at Chorleywood due to a mistake by the driver'.

Angela Stone

I've had the pleasure of having Steve as my driver a few times. Absolute legend


Mike Hall

On a very crowded Overground at Wapping: "Ladies and gentlemen, this train is full, people by the doors please get off and wait for the next train which will be along in a few minutes. If you are rushing home to catch Eastenders, I can assure you nothing interesting happens tonight and it's available on iPlayer anyway."


This is New Cross Gate change here for national rail and quality chicken shops


Friends of mine were heading back from North Greenwich on the Jubillee Line after seeing the Sound of Music at the O2. The driver all politeley reminded all passengers to "Steer clear of the doors, you don't want to get Von Trapped".

Jamie Sweetland

Station announcer at Embankment (Circle&District) one Saturday morning "Stand clear of the doors, THIS TRAIN IS READYYYYYYYY TOOOOO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!"


"To the girls who just entered the last carriage on the train, please be aware that Mile End Station is not, in fact, a public toilet"


Driver on the Piccadilly Line last Friday was having a great time entertaining himself on my morning commute. Some highlights

- Sung us a Madness medley between Turnpike Lane and Manor House (badly)
- Kept congratulating us for reading the Metro and telling us to check out page 68 ("A different page, every Friday")
- Re-named Covent Garden as Coventry
- Between Covent Garden and Leicester Square "And now from West Midlands... to East Midlands... LEICESTER! National Champions! Well done if you;re from Leciester"
- More random singing.
- "This is PHD, your Piccadilly... HELPFUL... Driver"

I was very late for work and seriously hungover and this set my day up very nicely. Well done that driver!

Flying cow

Quite late to this thread but: 1. Victoria Line: "The next station is Warren Street. Change here for the Northern Line. But I wouldn't bother if I was you - I once tried changing here for the Northern Line and was walking around for an hour. Stay on until Euston and change there." 2. Central Line, during rush hour - the platform was heaving and people were getting angry. Then we heard "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen, but the driver of the train in front had to get out to have a wee." Everyone cracked up. 3. Late night on the Piccadilly Line, the train stopped just before King's Cross for about five minutes. "There's no point tutting at me, you lot. I'm not allowed to go through a red light." (Train sets off.) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay. This was caused by London Underground currently suffering from a very low calibre of staff."

Tamara Sims

I remember one of the best tube drives to work on the district & circle.. the driver was giving tips to what there is to do at each station... Tower Hill to Westminster... He got to Temple "Here we are at Temple.... erm... there isn't really anything interesting at at Temple...so moving on....!!"


In Holland, on my way back home, around half past 5, I once heared a happy, black traindriver announce:
'The next station will be Weesp. Please ladies and gentlemen, look out for your belongings...but also look out of the window.
Have you ever seen a more lovely view? Look at that sunset..it's magnificent. I certainly hope it's still there when you get off the train and I'd like to wish all of you a wonderfull evening. Maybe you have a date with someone? Maybe going home to your wife, husband or your pets?
Or you just have a good evening by yourself, either going out or reading a good book? Either way, enjoy!"