Remember that bit in history class, when Oliver Cromwell put on a turban and got hoofed to death by Charles II's horse?
No, of course you don't, because it never happened in our branch of the multiverse. Yet that's precisely the scene depicted in one of London's weirdest sculptures.
The marble likeness of Charles II trampling Cromwell graced the Square Mile from 1675 until 1739.
The statue could hardly have been more prominent. It stood in London's Stocks Market — an important trading place that grew up around the City's stocks, at what is today Bank junction.
And it was massive. The engraving above is ludicrously exaggerated, but even so, the statue must have stood on one of the chunkiest plinths in London. Here's a more realistic view. Still a whopper.
Despite being (a) a major landmark, (b) one of our most famous kings, and (c) mad as a rucksack of starlings, the statue is almost totally forgotten today. And that itself is odd, because it still exists.
A recycled king
Let's take a closer look at that statue...
As you can see, the downtrodden figure of Cromwell does not resemble the military disciplinarian and Lord Protector we know from the history books. Instead of polished armour, he sports flowing robes, a turban, and the kind of fist that could flatten lamp posts, if only they'd been invented yet.
The King, meanwhile, looks like he's out for a Sunday stroll. He's prancing along without a care in the world, oblivious to the Republican hulk who's about to rupture his horse.
If the figures look odd, it's not just because this is a crappy drawing. They were never meant to be Charlie and Ollie. This is a recycled statue that originally depicted Polish king John III Sobieski riding all over a Turkish soldier (which explains the cloth headgear).
The statue was imported by Lord Mayor and royal boot-licker Richard Vyner in 1675. He had the Polish king's face remodelled to better resemble Charles, but the fallen Turk was left alone. Hence, we have this oddball combination.
A royal tour
The statue was never a popular one. Poet Andrew Marvell took the piss in what was once a rhyming couplet:
When each one that passes finds fault with the horse. Yet all do affirme that the King is much worse
Fortunately, the statue's London tenure was brief. It was dismantled in 1739 to make way for the Mansion House, the ceremonial home of the Lord Mayor, which still stands there today.
The statue lived on, however. It was recovered by the Vyner family and re-erected in their family estate of Gautby Hall, Lincolnshire. In a fancy game of pass the parcel, it was later handed off to Newby Hall in North Yorkshire.
The 350-year-old sculpture is now Grade II listed. Charles stands guard over Newby's car park with splendid ignobility. The fallen Cromwell serves as a warning to all those who would dodge the parking fee.
A bunch of Charlies
London might have lost its foremost statue of Charles II, but it would never be lacking in that department. The Merry Monarch is commemorated in at least three other statues around town* — all of them silly.
The most famous guards the mock-Tudor shed in Soho Square. Our hip-clutching monarch is often decorated with random stuff because... well, it's in Soho Square. With its numerous cracks and visible mending, this Charles needs a second Restoration.
Equally bonkers, but for different reasons, is the glimmering gold Charles that adorns the grounds of the Royal Hospital Chelsea.
The easy comparison is with C3PO from the Star Wars movies, but we like to think he was instead a victim of Auric Goldfinger — particularly as James Bond supposedly lived in nearby Wellington Square.
And finally, we have this curious specimen in the Guildhall. We're sure there are perfectly good art-historical reasons for the exposed belly tattoos and floral nipple guard, but we're not learned enough to know them.
And for the sake of Parliamentarian balance, we should also point out that Cromwell got his own London statue too. It stands right outside Westminster Hall, under the watchful eyes of Charles II's dad...
We’ve all seen the statue of Oliver Cromwell outside the Houses of Parliament. But did you ever notice the head of his vanquished nemesis Charles I, who stares directly back from across the road on St Margaret’s church? pic.twitter.com/KRrzhj9eAY
— M@ (@mattfromlondon) September 10, 2021
*Decidedly undeserved, given that among other things, he gave royal approval to the transatlantic slave trade.
