See Flying Sharks Destroy Big Ben In This Frankly Ludicrous Movie

M@
By M@
See Flying Sharks Destroy Big Ben In This Frankly Ludicrous Movie

The daft franchise is back, and this time London is at the eye of the storm. Sharknado 5: Global Swarming sees shark-infested tornados wreak havoc on the capital.

The trailer begins in the studio of Good Morning Britain. A vicious, loathsome beast dominates the studio. Then Piers Morgan leaves and a massive shark falls from the sky.

What happened to the roof?

The sharknado gains momentum and heads downriver to London Bridge. A child watching from Tower Bridge sees a helicopter downed by an airborne shark.

After shots of devastation in Rio and New York, we're back in London. The fickle sharknado has now returned upstream to Westminster. We see the London Eye unhitched from its stanchions, rolling along the South Bank and probably destroying the London Aquarium. Oh the irony.

The toothsome weather-front then moves to Pisa where it plays the old trick of fixing the lean on the famous tower. Back in London, returning hero Fin Shepard confronts a shark on board a Routemaster (RML 297 for any bus spotters out there). He finds a fire extinguisher (how unrealistic is that?) and proceeds to twat the belligerent fish off the lower deck.

You didn't TOUCH IN, you fare-dodging bastard.

To south-east London, where Crossness Pumping Station takes a pounding. Oddly, the sewage facility seems to have a couple of sharks wrapped in sheeting — some nuance of the complex plot. We presume this attack on Crossness means that sharks get into the sewer system and end up swimming up through toilets to bite people on the arse/ass. That's what'd happen if we were writing this thing.

Next up, the Palace. We can assume from the absent flag that the Queen is very much not in residence.

And then, the inevitable happens:

A good action hero can turn whatever's available into a weapon. So it is with Fin, who picks up the strangely shrunken hour hand of Big Ben, and leads a charge on the sharks with his horological lance.

The clock hand doubles as a pole vault, launching Fin onto the back of a shark. He then rides the flighty elasmobranch through the halls of Buckingham Palace.

Not based on actual events.

Back to the streets of London (or an American street dressed up as London), where another shark attack on a bus leads to the slaying of Poison singer Bret Michaels.

The frenetic pace continues. The trailer cuts back to Westminster. An unfortunate lady gets her head bitten off by a shark while walking past the statue of Lloyd George. Happens all the time in London.

The sharknado then moves further upriver — presumably to attack the new US embassy at Nine Elms. Along the way, it rips apart the much-detested St George Wharf. Not all bad, then.

See, we'd have been tempted to use a 'huge manatee' joke there.

And that's that. London has been destroyed on film by many other creatures, but this is the first to envisage sharks breaking into a film studio and savaging bus commuters.  

Sharknado 5 is in no good cinemas from 6 August 2017. Find it on SyFy channel, if you can be arsed.

Last Updated 02 August 2017

Juno

Was it one of them that got blown off course and ended up sticking out of a roof in Cambridge? That would prove the story was plausible.