"Sorry mate. I'm more of a drum and bass fan."
The London Aquarium have tried everything to entice their tiger sharks to mate, but the frigid elasmobranchs just refuse to rut. Now, the piscatorial attraction have turned to Barry White and Wet Wet Wet records in an effort to boost the sharks' sex drive. According to curator Paul Hale: "Research suggests that fish can not only hear music but can appreciate different tunes and melodies so we have decided to see if some good old-fashioned love songs will get them in the mood."
Enough. We're not going to peddle this nonsense. This is such a transparent bid for free publicity by the aquarium that the BBC should be ashamed of themselves for biting. As should the Telegraph and thelondonpaper, all of whom, not content with printing a novelty puff piece for the aquarium, have pretty much republished the press release word for word. At least the Sun bothered to dig out a picture of Barry White.
We can find no evidence in the scientific literature that sharks get jiggy when exposed to Afro-American funk-fueled Soul. And Wet, Wet, Wet? They're about as erotic as a senile porpoise bunged up with kelp. The only semi-relevant study showed a mild improvement in growth when carp were exposed to Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, a tune no human ever got horny to. So a masterful bit of publicity stirring by the Aquarium, but the surest sign yet that silly season is upon us.