Things to do this week is sponsored by clueQuest.
MISSING: This much-hyped physical theatre show's run at Battersea Arts Centre was cut short when a devastating fire gutted its Grand Hall in 2015. Happily, the venue has now been restored, and Missing reopens it with its deliciously warped exploration of imagery, language and music. Battersea Arts Centre, from £8, book ahead, 6-15 September
DISSENTING OBJECTS: Private Eye editor Ian Hislop has teamed up with The British Museum to dig up the stories of dissenters from days gone by, immortalised in a range of objects. The 100-ish items on display include a defaced Babylonian brick, a secretly swear-y bank note, and some satirical shadow puppets (we thought it was pretty damn great). The British Museum (Holborn), £12, book ahead, until 20 January 2019
V&A VIDEO GAMES: Here's a real treat for all the gamers out there. The V&A's latest exhibition reveals the design process behind the most innovative contemporary video games out there. If that's got your thumbs tingling, you'll be pleased to know that plenty of large scale interactive installations are promised. We found it a bit hit and miss (review here). V&A Museum £18, book ahead, until 24 February 2018
LONE DESIGN CLUB: You may not have a front row seat at London Fashion Week, but that doesn't mean you can't mark one of the fashion world's most momentous events in style. Lone Design Club's pop-up store returns with independent fashion, as well talks from industry experts, creative workshops, and personal shopping sessions. Greek Street (Soho), prices vary, book ahead for some events, 11-23 September
GREENWICH COMEDY FESTIVAL: Tickets to this star-studded south London comedy festival are selling like hot cakes, so get a move on if you fancy seeing the likes of Nina Conti, Rob Delaney, and Reginald D Hunter perform live. National Maritime Museum, £20, book ahead, 12-16 September
Monday 10 September
MEDICINAL PLANTS AFTERNOON: If you've racked up more than a few points on your Holland and Barrett loyalty card, this RCP lecture on nutraceuticals could be for you. Explore the somewhat murky world of fortified foods and dietary supplements, as well as the journey of discovery involved in using plants for health benefits. Your ticket includes refreshments, garden tours and an evening drinks reception. Royal College of Physicians (Regent's Park), £10, book ahead, 1.30pm-6pm
CHILLY GONZALES: Genre-defying pianist Chilly Gonzales is tinkling the ivories at Southbank Centre. He'll play pieces from his Solo Piano cycle, before cellist Stella Le Page and drummer Joe Flory join him on stage for a jam that draws from his eclectic back catalogue. Southbank Centre, from £25, book ahead, 7.30pm
POPE'S ADDICTION CLINIC: Get your comedy fix at the Pope's Addiction Clinic — Angel Comedy Club's AA style confessional show featuring Tony Law, Desiree Burch, and plenty more gag merchants airing their dirtiest (and most hilarious) laundry. The Bill Murray (Islington), £6 to reserve a seat/pay what you want OTD, book ahead, 9.45pm-10.45pm
Tuesday 11 September
SEX IN THE CITY RUN: This speedy (and seedy) x-rated 10k will get you hot under the collar in more ways than one. As you whizz through the smuttiest parts of the city, a guide will regale you with London's most illicit tales of yore, before you cross the finish line and cooling with a glass of fizz. Depart from Cock Lane (Smithfield), £25, book ahead, 6pm
AFTER MAN: Ever wondered what the world will look like when humans have buggered off? Douglas Dixon has, in his speculative evolution book, After Man: A Zoology of the Future. Get a glimpse of the possible flora and fauna of this possible future — featuring predatory mole-beasts, rodent wolves, and a mega-puffin. Conway Hall (Holborn), £6, book ahead, 7.30pm-9pm
PERFECT LIARS CLUB: It's time to find out how gullible you really are at story sleuthing show Perfect Liars Club. Four people will tell you an apparently true tale — at it's up to you to weed out the liar. The Book Club (Shoreditch), £8/£10, book ahead, 7.30pm-9.30pm
SOHO SALON SUPPER CLUB: When it comes to dinner parties, there's nothing worst than being sat next to a dud guest. Luckily, there's little chance of that happening at this artists' supper club, which gives you the chance to dine with some of the capital's most eccentric creatives. Your ticket includes a slap up meal, a life drawing class, industry talks, and a welcome cocktail. Scarlett Green (Soho), £45, book ahead, 7.30pm-11.30pm
Win a trip to Budapest, the European capital of escape rooms
Think you and your mates are a brainy bunch? clueQuest, which runs some of London's most quirky (and fun!) escape rooms, has a two night, all-expenses-paid group trip to Budapest — a city lauded as the European capital of escape rooms — up for grabs.
To be in with a chance of winning, assemble your dream team and book yourselves in to tackle one of clueQuest's famous escape missions before 26 September. Successfully make it out, and your time will be recorded on the leaderboard. Come out tops, and you'll be jetting off to Budapest...
For those not so lucky, there are plenty of goodybags and team vouchers up for grabs too. Up for it? Book an escape room mission and use the code COMPETITION before checkout to enter your team. Find out more here. T&Cs apply.
Wednesday 12 September
WHISKY HONESTY BAR: Reckon a single malt whisky tasting is beyond your means? Then you'll be pleased to know that there's not a price list in sight at The Glenrothe's pop up honesty bar. Simply sip five whiskies from their new Soleo collection and pay what you think each is worth at the end. Your ticket includes a welcome cocktail, grub from Mac & Wild, and a generous selection of drams. TT Liquor (Shoreditch), £10, book ahead, 6pm/8.30pm
ROALD DAHL DOODLES: From Quentin Blake-esque life-drawing to dreaming up utterly revolting recipes, this social sketch up is the perfect way to mark Roald Dahl Day. There's talk of free chocolate, too. Drink, Shop & Do (King's Cross), £15, book ahead, 7pm-9.30pm
HIP HOP BOAT PARTY: Inua Ellams' Rhythm and Poetry (RAP) party takes to the Thames for a night of hip hop-inspired rhymes and spoken word. Climb aboard the Dixie Queen and prepare to set sail in style. Departs from Butler's Wharf (Bermondsey), £15, book ahead, 7.30pm-10.45pm
THE BLACK POWER MIXTAPE: Thanks to some recent found footage shot by Swedish journalists, you can now see new insights into the Civil Rights Movement of the late sixties and early seventies. The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975 features interviews with Black Panther founders, activist and author Angela Davis, as well as commentary from Questlove and Erykah Badu. Harris Academy (South Norwood), £8.50, book ahead, 7.45pm-10.30pm
Londonist beer is coming... this weekend!
... And you're invited to our launch party this Sunday. It's no secret that we're massive fans of craft beer here at Londonist. That's why we've teamed up with one of our favourite local breweries, Fourpure, to create our own deliciously hoppy tribute to London — and we want you to be one of the first to sample it. So head down to Fourpure Brewery on Sunday 16 September for our launch party. There will be live music, prizes to be won, and the chance to get to know some of the faces behind the bylines. Intrigued? Find out more here, or book your tickets.
Thursday 13 September
URBAN FOREST EXPLORATION: Feast your eyes on the autumnal hues of London's trees on guided walk with street tree guru Paul Wood. After climbing some fairly steep hills, you'll head to one of London's nicest tree-named pubs for a well-earned pint. Chalk Farm tube station, £19.45, book ahead, 6.15pm-8.15pm
NO PLANET B: Worried about your carbon footprint? Learn how you can live a more sustainable, low impact life at a night of talks from environmental conscious activists and entrepreneurs. Start turning over your new leaf on the night, with the help of an ethical market and vegan street food. Core (Clapton), £15, book ahead, 6.15pm-9.45pm
POPUP PAINTING: Become a master of Impressionism like Van Gogh at this paint and sip evening. Your ticket includes a free glass of wine and themed playlist to get those creative juices flowing. And, if you're worried that your work will be deemed too 'ahead of its time', PopUp Painting promises you at least one Instagram like. The Water Poet (Shoreditch), £27, book ahead, 7.30pm-10pm
Friday 14 September
ON CLOUD NINE: Picture the scene — you are reclining on a giant cloud beneath a vast Rubens painting while Claudia Winkleman reads you a bedtime story. This may sound like some anxiety-induced fever dream, but it's actually a totally legit event. Banqueting House, (Whitehall), £15, book ahead, 14-16 September
MAKE A SPLASH: Here’s a cool way to spend your Friday evening: get back to nature in this private lake swimming experience, before cosying up with hot rum toddies, warming food and a toasty campfire. West Reservoir Centre (Manor House), £20, book ahead, 6.30pm-10pm (partner)
MEZCAL CRUISE: Celebrate London Mezcal Week in style — with a boozy boat trip along the canal. There's party tunes aplenty, a complimentary mezcal-based cocktail and an on board bar. Canalside Queen's Yard (Hackney), £26, book ahead, 6.45pm-9pm
BLUEBEARD: It may be a folktale, but don't be expecting Disney vibes from this retelling of Charles' Perrault's story of a murderous aristocrat and the bride who tries to escape the same grisly fate that has befallen her predecessors. Acclaimed video and performance artist Cradeaux Alexander will be bringing the legend of Bluebeard to life through video, live ensemble performance, visuals, and text. Bow Arts Trust, £10, book ahead, 7pm-8pm
YOLANDA BROWN: One of Europe's finest saxophonists brings her reggae, jazz and soul fusion sound to Southbank Centre. The double-MOBO-winning YolanDa Brown plays her best-loved hits alongside some special guests for her 10 year anniversary tour. Southbank Centre, £25, book ahead, 7.30pm
Saturday 15 September
MINDFUL TRIATHLON: Start your day with a 5k run, before an epic DJ-powered yoga sesh, followed by a guided meditation session to cool you down. After you've completed this triathlon with a twist, chill out at the bar, check out the immersion zones, or nourish your brain at the Wanderlust Speakeasy lecture venue. Battersea Park, £42, book ahead, 7.30am-5pm
BIT OF A PICKLE: If you're always begging for your dining companion's gherkin slices at Maccy D's, we've got the workshop for you. Learn how to make your own pickles and preserves from produce grown on The Culpeper's roof garden before tucking into a seasonal lunch. If you're a keen plantsman yourself, it's a great opportunity to learn how to make the most of your end-of-season veg. The Culpeper (Aldgate), £25, book ahead, 9am-12pm
STORIES OF THE THAMES: If the River Thames could talk, it would have quite a few tales to tell. There are plenty of raconteurs on hand to lead talks on everything from Victorian London's forgotten female swimmers to the illuminated river project. Southwark Cathedral, £12.50, book ahead, 10am-4.30pm
Sunday 16 September
LONDONIST BEER PARTY: We've been banging on about our new beer for a while now (see us making it here), and it finally launches today. Join us at Fourpure Brewery for the launch party. Your ticket gets you entry, an afternoon of live music, plus a four pack of the limited edition beer to take home with you. £10, book ahead, noon-8pm
ART CAR BOOT FAIR: Fancy getting your hands on some astonishing arty bargains? Head to the Art Car Boot fair where some of the biggest names in the art world — including Sir Peter Blake and Geraldine Swayne — will be personally selling exclusive work from the boots of their cars. Granary Square (King's Cross), £10, just turn up, 12pm-6pm
REELS ON WHEELS: Dress up as your favourite film character and get ready to cycle through Portobello's silver screen history on a west London bike tour. You'll whizz past locations featured in the likes of Notting Hill, Absolute Beginners, Pressure, and many more. Begins at Tavistock Piazza (Portobello), £7, book ahead, 3.30pm-6pm
SMOKE AND MIRRORS: This eerie theatrical concert from Aurora Orchestra will summon the spirits of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein and Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony. With specially commissioned costumes, audio, and lighting, Smoke and Mirrors is all about the drama. Southbank Centre, £10, book ahead, 4pm
Fun things to do with our friends and sponsor Funzing...
London is a city of incredible transformation. With structural remains that date back to ancient history still in existence, this unique walking tour takes in Lost London in all its former glory. From the Titanic booking office to the graveyards of man's best friend, you'll discover the weird and wonderful places that used to exist in the capital but are now only committed to memory. Using old photographs, newspaper cuttings and stories from the past, you'll be amazed at what has largely been written out of our history books... Get tickets
The London Undergound is over 150 years old, and it's seen a thing or two in its time. Are you brave enough to face the ghosts of the Underground? Travel through the home of the Bank's Black Nun, learn about the elderly angel who saved a tube worker from death, and come to face to face with Farringdon's screaming spectre. Bring your oyster card and discover the hidden secrets of the Underground. You'll need to have an Oyster card or travelcard for this event. Get tickets
The City of London is home to spectacular skyscrapers, but it’s also home to some fascinating history. Join Matt on a tour of the Square Mile’s ancient alleyways, old churches and imposing architecture - including two sites associated with the occult, and one of the City's most haunting memorials to the power of the Blitz. Get tickets
Take to the waters and glide about in this beginner paddleboarding session. By the end of it, you'll be standing up and paddling solo, and there's plenty of help on hand to improve your technique. Change of clothes required. Get tickets