In London, it can be hard to find somewhere that'll let you linger.
Most cafes — understandably — want their tables turned over as quickly as possible. Your long-overdue catch-up with a friend cut short by a hovering waiter just as you're getting to the juicy gossip.
So somewhere that not only allows, but actively encourages, lingering is a rarity worth shouting about.
"We are trying to be different. We will not hurry you" proclaims the beautiful laminated opening page of the leather-bound menu at Vauxhall's Tea House Theatre.
"If this is your lunch break, then have one, you will be more productive in the afternoon. If you want to have a meeting, we will not disturb you. If you are 'working from home' we have WiFi. If you have children, we have highchairs, a chest of toys, and milkshakes"
Such a combination of purposes and needs seems impossible on paper... and yet, at the Tea House Theatre, it works. Very well in fact — we're writing this article in situ, surrounded on a weekday morning by a trio having a meeting 'on stage', a young couple tucking into brunch, and a solo woman ploughing through a novel.
A while later, a young man in a suit rocks up and whips out his laptop. A pair of students settle in for a lengthy study session. At some point, a lively dachshund — origin unknown — does a lap of the place, having a quick sniff of everyone's toes before being called away.
On entering, a theatrical floor-to-ceiling velvet curtain acts as a holding area while you wait to be seated, surrounded by antique books and a wall of many, many leaflets for local groups and events, a taste of how community-minded the Tea House Theatre is.
Stepping through the curtain though, theatricality slides away as you take a seat in what could be someone's cosy living room. Pleasingly mismatched wooden chairs gather around tables, some just big enough for an intimate lunch for two, others pushed together to accommodate up to 10. A pair of chesterfield-style brown leather armchairs huddles around each of the three fireplaces, turned towards each other as if sharing a secret.
Outdoor seating is available when the weather's good, and while it's lovely to kick back and watch the world passing by in Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens, the real charm lies inside.
Trinkets abound. A marionette puppet hangs from a lighting rig. A cuddly toy Peter Rabbit, perhaps left behind by a young guest and hoping for a happy reunion, takes centre stage on a mantelpiece. An African-style wooden carved mother-and-child statuette adorns a windowsill. Each table has its own mini-display of fresh flowers, a couple of stems protruding from repurposed glass milk bottles, and standalone floor lamps are squeezed in anywhere there's room.
On the back wall, a small counter is overshadowed by glass jars of tea, arranged as sweets would be in an old-fashioned confectionery shop. The counter itself is barely visible beneath all manner of paraphernalia, including bottles of beer, jars of jam and honey, the latter from three hives atop the Tea House's own roof.
Handmade cards by a local artist are for sale, and a stack of Holy Bibles lingers nearby ("Please take one if you need it" implores a handwritten sign atop that particular pile). When it comes to paying your bill, there's something very worth knowing: The Tea House Theatre encourages the use of cash, a poster in the toilets promising a discount to anyone who proffers it:
As for the menu, the clue's in the name. The Tea House Theatre (wait for it)... doesn't serve coffee. Not a latte, nor a cappuccino, not even a basic coffee-with-milk is available to customers here. They take tea so seriously, its caffeinated rival is blacklisted.
When staff relay this information to surprised customers, it's usually met with a brief glimmer of consternation, quickly swept aside with an accepting chuckle at the quirky rule. Honestly, it's a refreshing change to enjoy such an intimate venue without the grinding and hissing of a coffee machine every few seconds (Classic FM appears to be the soundtrack of choice most days, Aled Jones's voice drifting out from a speaker obscured somewhere behind a bookcase).
Tea, on the other hand, comes by the pot, with a staggering 60+ brews to choose from. No wonder they don't hurry you. TL;DR? We've always found the 'peach tea with flowers' hits the spot.
What pairs perfectly with tea? Cake, which they take almost as seriously, an impressive spread of home-baked layer cakes available by the slice each day. Neapolitan, Nutella & orange marmalade, or passion fruit cake were all available on our most recent visit, along with almond flan and pecan pie. Everything is served on charmingly mismatched crockery, teapots covered in hand-knitted cosies.
Sometimes the vast cake display, unable to be contained by the main counter, spills out onto a cafe table nearby, as if the chef started baking and couldn't be stopped. At other times, a cake sits on each table throughout the room, its glass dome acting as a centrepiece, encouraging gentle interaction as customers explore the walkable menu.
More substantial meals are available too. In fact, the Tea House Theatre serves breakfast, lunch, dinner, afternoon tea and very popular roasts on Sunday (though the rest of the menu is slimmed down on Sundays, so if it's a light lunch you're after, you're best choosing another day). Time's an irrelevance: breakfast is available until 6pm, and we've seen people tucking into afternoon tea — the full tiered-stand shebang — at 10.30am.
The 'theatre' part of the venue's name mainly comes into play in the evenings, when scheduled events range from spoken word and poetry evenings to performances by the Tuneless Choir, jazz jam sessions and the occasional murder mystery night.
The stage is a small raised area at the front of the room, barely noticeable by day as it's part of the cafe seating (do heed the warning signs about falling off the edge if you choose to sit there). This near-daily transformation from daytime venue to evening theatre means you may find yourself dining among lighting rigs and other stage paraphernalia. It's all part of the fun.
The Tea House Theatre, 139 Vauxhall Walk, SE11 5HL. Vauxhall station (National Rail and Victoria line) is a five-minute walk away. It's just around the corner from Vauxhall City Farm, and across the road from 'Taylor Swift pub' The Black Dog. A short walk away is Vauxhall Park (different from Vauxhall Pleasure Gardens) with its lavender patch.
