Is London Just Becoming One Giant Ruddy Playground?

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 13 months ago
Is London Just Becoming One Giant Ruddy Playground?
Arrgggggghhhhhhh etc

In our day, you were grateful for a game of 'Throw Can' or 'Kick-a-Bobby' or 'Dick-Around-on-Site-of-Unexploded-WW2-Bomb', before being called inside for a slice of cold lard pie. How things have changed. London is gradually turning into one MegaPlayground. And it's for adults too. Here's the proof.

(And yes, we've had a go on most of these. Shhh.)

1. Everything turned into a ruddy slide

In fairness, the Orbit was a benign carbuncle of twisted steel, until they wrapped a vom-inducing drop of a slide around it. The Shard got jealous, and put in its own VR slide, prompting the terrified screams of this poor woman. Topshop's VR slide? Not a clue what that's all about. Only a matter of time before The Monument's marketing team start getting ideas...

2. Zip lines ruddy everywhere

You used to have to find your nearest Go Ape for a zip line fix. Now go and look out of your window. Go on. Your bus route has been replaced by a zip line hasn't it. Zip lines ruddy everywhere. That said, if we're embracing zip lines, here are nine more that we'd like to see.

3. Bars turned into ruddy ball pools

Insert 'load of balls' caption here

For some of us, Fun House never ended. Go for a drink with your mates in east London these days, and you'll probably end up reliving your birthday party at Playworld circa 1994. Maybe you CAN drown feelings of mortgage-procuring inadequacy in a lake of coloured balls. It's just too early to tell. Major balls culprits Ballie Ballerson ratchet up the kidult theme, with drinks made from Wham bars and pink shrimp foam. They used to let you take these sticky concoction into the ball pit. But not anymore. Not anymore.

4. Everyone eating ruddy cereal all the time

While we're on the subject of sugary substances, let's address the two-faced eating habits of the London kidult. On one hand it's all lightly grilled seitan and sun blushed kale. On the other, it's sticking your face into a bowl of Japanese fruit loops at Cereal Killer Cafe, or tackling an ice cream cone floating on a cloud of candy floss (a dish that, we presume, was literally dreamed up by a sleeping seven year-old). And let's not get started on the unicorn freakshakes — something Hello Kitty probably deems a bit much. Well, as long as you're eating your greens...

5. Trampoline parks ruddy everywhere

Parents never let you have a trampoline in the back garden? You can now quell that deep set despair at one of London's 273 trampoline parks. Remember to get a few bowls of Japanese fruit loops down you first, for the ultimate sicky childhood experience.

6. Every other building a ruddy crazy golf course

Junkyard Golf. Standard.

Fore! Actually there are way more crazy golf courses in London these days. In some parts of town you're as likely to run into one of these as you are a Sainsbury's Local with a knackered cash machine. It is admittedly quite good fun thwacking balls through old washing machine parts, after sinking four Golf Lundgren cocktails. Even more fun charging people £10 a head for the pleasure, we'd imagine.

7. Roundabouts ruddy everywhere

Maybe a bit tenuous, this one.

Last Updated 18 July 2018