The 45th President of the United States of America is sure to visit London at some point. When he does, we'd love to take him on this little tour of the capital. All the Trump quotes in this article are genuine.
1. The Kirkaldy Testing Museum
As the son of a Scottish immigrant, Trump might like to visit this small museum on Southwark Street, the former workshop of Dundee engineer David Kirkaldy. He'd be less impressed with the 'FACTS NOT OPINIONS' pediment, which guards the entrance.
2. The other Trump
London already has a statue commemorating Trump. It stands on Chiswick High Road. This Trump was the faithful hound of William Hogarth, the 18th century satirical painter who would have had a field day with The Donald. The wrinkly face, jowly cheeks and matted hair are not the most attractive to look at. By contrast, Hogarth's dog is a real stunner.
3. Sir Francis Bacon's statues
Sir Francis Bacon had a massive hard-on for rational thought. (You can see him trying to cover it up with his robe in both the photos above.) The 17th century scholar pretty much invented the scientific method. He championed a careful, evidence-based approach to problem solving, rather than just making stuff up with your big fat head. We'd treat Trump to a double-Bacon roll with these statues in Gray's Inn (where Bacon received his legal training), and on the facade of the Royal Academy.
4. The Royal Institution
Another bastion of rational thought, the RI in Mayfair has been at the heart of global science for over two centuries. There's much that Trump could learn here, but we'd particularly point him towards this display in the building's Faraday Museum. This is the apparatus used by John Tyndall to show that carbon dioxide and water vapour absorb the sun's heat more readily than the main components of air. In other words, he discovered greenhouse gases and laid the foundations for our modern understanding of climate change.
5. Big Ben
The Westminster clock, commonly known as Big Ben, has massive hands. Really, really massive hands. The minute hand is 4.3 metres long. That's the height of a double-decker bus. MASSIVE HANDS are the thing. Not tiny hands.
6. Statue of Edward Jenner
As the man behind the first effective vaccine, Edward Jenner is quite possibly responsible for saving more lives than anyone who ever lived. Links between vaccines and autism have been soundly discredited as fraud, though the myth persists. We'd explain this to Trump while showing him this statue of Jenner in Kensington Gardens.
7. London Zoo
Donald Trump is on record, lots of times, comparing women to dogs, pigs and other assorted animals. He's also into 'grabbing pussies'. We'd end our tour by leaving him at London Zoo, which has some particularly feisty pussies for him to grab.