One day — although possibly in the distant future — London will reopen. And on that day certain things are inevitable. Here are ten things that will happen when London reopens.
1. It'll be on a rainy Monday
Even if it's in August, this will happen.
2. We all stop talking to our neighbours once again
We purposefully erase their names from our memories. The only time we will have any desire to talk to them is to yell 'could you keep it down' through paper thin walls, although we don't, as we're just too British.
3. The queue for Madame Tussauds reappears overnight
Tourists gonna tourist.
4. We start complaining about the commute again
It's only going to take one day before the novelty effect of someone invading our personal space wears off completely.
5. We have a long day at work and decide to have a quiet one in
Remembered that you were never much of a social butterfly in the first place? There must be something on Netflix that you didn't manage to see during lockdown. Ooh what's that? A seven hour special dedicated to Norwegian Salmon Fishing? Sounds gripping.
6. Pubs recoup their losses in one single night thanks to thirsty Londoners
Related: all those cunning businesses that started selling surgical masks when the crisis begun, immediately pivot to paracetamol and ibuprofen to nurse the nation's hangover.
7. We all realise that we survived just fine for months without matcha lattes, so coffee shops stop selling them
See also spiced pumpkin lattes.
8. There are now at least four independent bakeries on every high street
Somewhere's got to sell the gargantuan amounts of sourdough the city now produces.
9. We'll catch a cold
Which is obviously vastly preferable to catching coronavirus, but still...
10. The cable car remains empty
In all honesty, why bother reopening it?