12 Predictions For London In 2016

January

Following the opening of Tottenham Court Road's distinctive new tube entrance, ground-penetrating radar reveals evidence of significant Asian investment.

February

London's gentrification takes a strange new form, as a wave of mathematical street art sweeps the capital. Walls in Brixton are daubed with a colourful proof of the Riemann Hypothesis, while Finsbury Park is decorated with Euler's Formula (below). A spokesperson for Haringey Council dubs the vandals 'the lowest common denominator'.

March

Construction work begins on the Garden Bridge. To pay for a shortfall in funding, its owners announce a bold new vision in which the prime real estate will be sold off immediately for redevelopment. Over 800 luxury apartments will be constructed by 2021. Overseas investors will be able to 'own a piece of history', becoming the 'first leaseholders since the time of Henry VIII and the Old London Bridge to enjoy bespoke fixed assets over this iconic river'.

April

It's the 400th anniversary of Shakespeare's death. The Department of Culture's 'Festival of the Bard' is hit by spending cuts, leading some to criticise the lacklustre commemorations.

May

Boris Johnson's departing action at City Hall is to change the way that future Mayors of London are appointed. In a bid to get more young people interested in local politics, the mayoral elections will henceforth be coupled to the UK singles chart. Whichever Londoner gets the most votes in the form of music downloads becomes the next Mayor.

June

The Evening Standard appoints Cara Delevingne as Finance Editor and Rita Ora as chief sports pundit. The pair are now able to appear on every single page of the newspaper, rather than the restrictive seven or eight daily appearances they've hitherto enjoyed. Meanwhile, proprietor Evgeny Lebedev insists that all crosswords be redesigned to mimic his preternaturally immaculate beard.

July

Every new Olympiad builds on the traditions of its predecessors. The 1920 Antwerp games gave us the Olympic Oath, Olympic flag and the release of doves as a symbol of peace. The 1928 Amsterdam games ushered in the Olympic Flame. London 2012's unforgettable contribution was the Dangleboris, which will now feature in the Opening Ceremony of all subsequent Olympics, beginning with Rio.

August

With the rash of supertall skyscrapers increasingly dominating the City skyline, traditionalists put forward plans to re-establish St Paul's Cathedral as the tallest building in London.

September

In another misguided attempt to save money, the Department of Culture announces that the 350th anniversary of the Great Fire of London and the 40th anniversary the Sex Pistols' Anarchy in the UK are to be celebrated as part of a joint festival. What could possibly go wrong?

October

Hackney's novelty cafe scene is almost spent. Every foodstuff on the planet, from imported cereals to doggie biscuits, has now had its 15 minutes of fame in a dedicated pop-up restaurant. But never fear, for a couple of bearded entrepreneurs are about to open the world's first Poop-Up Cafe in Dalston. The concept dining experience literally turns eating on its head, with a focus on the lower opening of the alimentary canal. Instead of eating food, customers can choose from a range of rectally administered sweetmeats. Londonist tip: treat yourself to a suppository shortbread washed out with a long-black coffee enema.   

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November

The last affordable home in London enters the market.

December

Marshall Mathers opens his first Eminem Store in Leicester Square, prompting a legal wrangle with the nearby M&Ms Store. To avoid a lengthy court battle, the two retail attractions agree to join forces. The new-look Eminem & M&Ms Store opens soon after.

What are your predictions for London in 2016?