If you missed out on Olympic tickets, cheer up with this week's rollcall of great cabaret; so with zip, zero and zilch further ado here are this week's Zingers.
Before it makes like Laura Palmer and disappears for the summer, this regular homage to all things David Lynch comes to a climax with a fancy dress competition and an evening of twisted cabaret and burlesque as well as a beauty pageant to crown this years' Miss Twin Peaks. Last year's winner, sassy firedancer Lydia Darling, will be judging the contestants alongside Des O'Connor, Tallulah Mockingbird and The Mysterious Woodsman while the audience gets to enjoy some of the highlights. If you're looking for fancy dress inspirations, see the clip at the bottom of this post.
In the words of Agent Dale Cooper, "I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange." (£10)
Monday's Zingers: Renowned for bending credulity as well as spoons, not-very-good psychic Uri Geller is the subject of Nathan Penlington's latest show at the Rosemary Branch. Expect onstage telepathy, clairvoyance and oil dowsing and a death-defying motorcycle stunt, it says here. (£5)
The Flying Karamazov Brothers have gone from off-Broadway to an-entire-ocean-off-Broadway to bring us their extreme juggling show to the Vaudeville Theatre. They're here for the summer so fret ye not if its your turn to go to B&Q. (£22.50-£39.50)
Tuesday's Zingers: Cute and cuddly don't cut it at Bistrotheque's UnderConstruction (£5), the night dedicated to new acts and works in progress from circuit favourites. This week it's the turn of Des O'Connor, Helen Noir & Darrell Berry, Mr Madam, Nathalie Geographic, Willis and Fabulous Russella to show us where it's at.
Go, go, eco-comedy! Wander into the Lincoln Lounge's Ukelele Cabaret Goes Green tonight for some free entertainment care of Liz Skitch and her accordion, Jo Stephenson and Dan Wood's preview of their botanical Edinburgh show plus host Tricity Vogue trying on a new double act for size with Holly Penfield.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be but that shouldn't stop The Albany holding a night of Noughties-flavoured comedy and songs (£5) with Sarah-Louise Young, Abandoman-alikes Marbles, Susan Harrison, Colin & Rob and Cheryl Dole.
Lady Beau Peep and her League Of The Extraordinary (£35-£40) continue at the Brickhouse, serving up hefty portions of quality dinner cabaret.
Wednesday's Zingers: Maria Brodmann wants to do an MA in Musical Theatre at Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama. Lacking funds but neither chutzpah nor entrepreneurial spirit, she has set up her own fundraising night aboard the Battersea Barge. Appearing at A Riverside Revue (£10) will be two of the kookiest cabaret acts around in ballerina Madame Gallina Ballet Star Galactica and crooner Patelvis The Corner Ship King plus others including Maria herself.
We like to big up the quirky here and this week it won't get much bigger than the line-up for the final heat of Burger Queen 2011 at the RVT(£6/£9.99 with a comforting burger & chips). Scottee's search for London's top fatty continues with celebrity guests, entertainers and an update on his latest crash diet.
Hear the story behind burlesque at the Shadow Lounge with some of the best practitioners (Jo King, Kiki Kaboom and Fancy Chance) around at Burlexe (£20).
Thursday's Zingers: Roll over Chuck Norris: arch provocateur David Hoyle will be verbally eviscerating all and sundry at the RVT as part of his Lives series (£10). Guest stars Ryan Styles and Gerry Potter would be advised to keep a safe distance (a couple of Zones should do it).
The twinkletoed Madame Gallina Battle Star Galactica will be
leading a ragbag fugitive fleet as they search for Earth headlining her own variety night at Volupté with the able assistance of gagsters Moonfish Rhumba and fellow duo Conlon and Hunt (£15 seated).
The Crazy Horse girls from Paris-via-Vegas continue their residency under the Westway at Supperclub (£69.50-£252).
Dress up in your finest flammables and join the party aboard the Battersea Barge for Lorraine Bowen's Polyester Fiesta (£10). If you can remember the 70s, you weren't properly attired.
Friday's Zingers: For some of us, the Stratford Circus venue may be as close as we get to the main Olympic site. Appropriately enough, the Eat Your Own Heart Crew will be holding the grand final of their "Enforced" series (£9/£6 concessions) with guest collaborators Dickie Beau & Bryony Kimmings. Expect the unexpected as cabaret terrorist Scottee, Northern star Myra Dubois, award-winning dragster Fancy Chance and co. lay on entertainment edgier than a dodecahedron.
It's the penultimate outing at the Leicester Square Theatre for Londonist favourites Pistol & Jack's Edinburgh Fringe show Smash*Glam*Sex*Music (£10). If there's a better and funnier live mashup act out there, we haven't seen them.
If you can't beat them, join them. As animal cruelty has been banned, head down to London Zoo Lates (£14.35-£19.00) to kick off the weekend with an evening of cabaret hosted by the duke of uke, Des O'Connor. This week's party animals are burlesquer Rose Thorne, firecracker Preacher Muad'dib, songbird Tempest Rose, comedian Rosie Wilby and hoopster Jo Foley. In between acts, you can check out the animal-themed bars, the street food and Silent Disco. Zoo Lates continues every Friday until the end of July.
Si vous voulez regarder cabaret ou jouer bingo entièrement en français, nous vous recommandons d'aller à Pompette (£7) en Exmouth Market ce soir.
Twisted tea shop antics including cakes, sweets and short stories being read aloud are the order of this revolution-themed night at artsadmin's Toynbee Studios. Held as part of the week-long Two Degrees festival which aims to tackle issues around the arts, climate change and government cuts, White Rabbit's Are You Sitting Comfortably (£8) are still looking for submissions. If you would like your story considered, please email it to Bernadette Russell at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Saturday's Zingers: It's your last chance to see the Ronseal of musical revues, Naked Boys Singing! at the Charing Cross Theatre (£17.50/£12.50). Song titles like "I Beat My Meat" and "The Bliss Of A Bris" may hold some clue as to what to expect, Dr Watson.
Wam Bam Club again have a high calibre line-up featuring burlesque, hoop skills, improv hip hop, comedy and a lady who attacks her own metal-plated crotch with an angle grinder.
Genius dragster Chris Green will be glamming it up as Tina C In The T(Ina) Party at the Udderbelly (£15.50). Expect politics, potshots at Palin and perhaps a country song or two.
Sunday's Zingers: Homesick northerners should head down to t'Leicester Square Theatre for an afternoon of variety, bingo and a meat raffle. The Working Men's Club (£6) opens its doors at the very civilised time of 3pm and this week will feature the talents of Keith Platt, Max Dowler, Paul F Taylor, Chris Turner, Lloyd Griffith, Ja.mie Glassman, The Segue Sisters.
Samantha Man will be celebrating the Summer Solstice in traditional fashion (£4) at the Bethnal Green Working Men's Club with free cake, burlesque, music and comedy. Bring baked goodies and wonder where exactly the last six months went.
If this week's clip isn't the best Lynch-inspired music video, we'll eat your hat.