By sizemore Last edited 149 months ago

After all the worry over bird-flu, environmental disaster and nuclear attack it's good to know that the UK's early warning system for just such a catastrophe works well. The threat of a tribute concert to Diana - Princess of Skiing Holidays is still in the planning stages, but thankfully we've been given plenty of time to evacuate.

Anyone thinking of staying and attempting to weather the storm will probably want to take note of the following expected horrors:

It's being organised by William and Harry

Sir Elton John may well sing that song

Wave after wave of mediocre pop acts will form one super-tsunami of audio drivel death

Beyoncé, Kylie Minogue and George Michael on the same stage will be like crossing the streams in Ghostbusters

No escape for those outside the initial humdrum blast wave thanks to TV and radio coverage

The only glimmer of hope is because it's being held at the new Wembley money pit that the entire thing may collapse in on itself. Of course experts then fear the resulting outpouring of idiot-grief at the premature burial of so many gits would result in a series of Di-Aid-Aid tribute concerts that could engulf us all for generations to come.

The immediate worry is that Bono will get involved and start covering Chris de Burgh and Dire Straits tracks. If this happens suicide kits much like the ones featured in Children of Men will be distributed by the government.

Last Updated 27 November 2006