Opinion

Ban Eating And Drinking On The Tube? Here's What Would Happen

Ban Eating And Drinking On The Tube? Here's What Would Happen

The Chief Medical Officer, Dame Sally Davies, has suggested in her latest report, that the junk food epidemic among younger people should be tackled in part with an outright ban of food and drink on public transport (except 'fresh water'). Here are some of the potential consequences that would unfold in London...

1. There's a Circle line-style blow out...

...like there was in 2008 when then-mayor Boris Johnson outlawed alcohol on the tube, and London responded with an almighty Underground piss-up on loop. The gut-busting bacchanalia will see Big Macs guzzled by the dozen, burritos rolled up and smoked like fat meaty joints — and the Fast Food Song belted out between belches, like it's Hey Jude.

2. The tube becomes a sweeter smelling place... or does it?

Mmm, smells like... farts? Image: Shutterstock

Eating on the tube has been a bugbear of the London commuter ever since Lady Florence Kerfuffle's inaugural ride on the Metropolitan Railway was ruined by some oaf scoffing their breakfast of mutton and porridge across the carriage from her (probably). Seriously though, the tube (and buses) would be far pleasanter places without the waft of someone's half-price Itsu wafting in your general. Or would it be like the 2007 smoking ban, when pubs suddenly smelled exclusively of people's arse gas? The jury is out.

3. London will fall...

It'll be the end of these beauties.

So, as we already mentioned, the CMO has recommended banning ALL comestibles, not just junk food. That means no coffee on your way into the office. No cheeky sausage roll en route to the boozer in Dalston on a Friday evening. No gin in a tin on that four-and-a-half-hour trip from King's Cross to Edinburgh. Oh COME ON, Chief Medical Officer! The city's workforce will be asleep by two in the afternoon. The Gregg's empire will crumble like one of its vegan sausage rolls (killing off most of London's wannabe vegans in the process). Passengers will have to break up the trip to Scotland by calling in at Peterborough for a pint. Heathy so-and-sos won't be able to worthily much their kale and quinoa salads in front of the rest of us. Have you thought this through at all, CMO?

4. None of the above will happen...

A dystopian future, as viewed through a dodgy Photoshop mock-up. Original image: Shutterstock

Of course it won't. Because who on earth is going to enforce a food and drink ban across the country's public transport, when we're already sacking off shedloads of staff across the TfL network and National Rail services? Unless we re-employ them as Food Police — making them wear luminous tabards, like some crazed antithesis of dinner ladies. And even if we do, let's face it — these kids will still find a way to sneak a box of Morley's BBQ wings onto the 171 bus.

Last Updated 10 October 2019