Things To Do This Week is sponsored on behalf of L&Q.
All week
UNDERBELLY: For us, the end of Underbelly Festival always means the end of summer — so milk this final week for all it's worth. Support cancer care with queer Asian cabaret The Bitten Peach, immerse yourself in the world of James Bond, and get involved in a dragtastic seance show going by the name of Sèayoncè. Never a dull moment, right up to the last. South Bank, various prices, book ahead, until 29 September
TOTALLY THAMES: London's riverine festival is still going strong, with ongoing events and installations around town. Special events this week include a talk by mudlarking expert Ted Sandling, author of London in Fragments, and an evening of supernatural and haunted tales by London Dreamtime, on board a historic sailing vessel. Full programme here. Until 30 September
ELF LYONS: Perhaps she was inspired by Fleabag, or perhaps she just loves furry rodents. Either way, comedian (and occasional Londonist contributor) Elf Lyons performs a run of her new show Love Songs To Guinea Pigs. Expect an absurd narrative of heartbreak and love with live music, mime, silly characters, enthusiastic accents and entirely true stories. Soho Theatre, from £11, book ahead, 23-28 September
ROB NEWMAN: Comedian Rob Newman performs a work in progress show for four days, trying out new material ahead of the next series of his BBC Radio 4 show, Total Eclipse of Descartes. Expect content of a philosophical nature. Pleasance Theatre (Islington), £10, book ahead, 26-29 September
Monday 23 September
LONDON IN SLOW MOTION: Join Dotmaker Tours for a slowed down look at the city. London In Slow Motion is a guided walk through some of the most hectic parts of the capital including Trafalgar Square and Covent Garden in search of pockets of calm. Learn about the area's slow history as you go, and finish up with a taste of slow food. Cleopatra's Needle (Embankment), £18/£15, book ahead, 11am-1pm
BANNED BOOKS: As part of Banned Books Week, playwright David Hare and poet Ben Okri take part in a discussion about walls in literature and our lives. Journalist and broadcaster Samira Ahmed chairs. British Library, £12/£8, book ahead, 7pm-8.30pm
DNA TESTING: How did home DNA testing kits become so prevalent, and what's the effect? Genetic genealogist Debbie Kennett discusses what the DNA tests actually show, and whether it's right that companies selling diet plans can use them to offer discounts on their products. Royal Institution (Mayfair), £16/£10/£7, book ahead, 7pm-8.30pm
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Tuesday 24 September
SHE IS FIERCE: Babble Talks are lectures on various topics aimed at carers with babies under a year old — although adults without babies are also welcome. Today, hear from anthologist Ana Sampson who hunts out information about underrated and uncelebrated female writers from the past, who deserve more recognition. Crouch End Picturehouse, £10, book ahead, 11.30am-12.30pm
BRITISH CRAFTSMANSHIP: Who is behind the design and manufacture of 'British handcrafted' items that come with a premium price tag? Hear from Jonathan Foyle, who spent six years investigating the inspirations, talents, traditions, and legacy of British craftspeople for the Financial Times. V&A Museum (South Kensington), £15-£18, book ahead, 7pm-8.45pm
PLANET-KILLING MACHINE: Musical comedian Jon Long performs his new show, Planet-Killing Machine. He's a planet-killing machine and so are you, and he questions whether it can be saved, or if we're too late to do anything about it, through jokes and song. Phoenix Artists' Club, £8, book ahead, 7.30pm-8.30pm
Wednesday 25 September
MOON YOGA: Start your day with a dynamic vinyasa yoga class underneath the Natural History Museum's temporary moon artwork. It's led by a qualified instructor, and aimed at people who have a little bit of prior yoga experience. Natural History Museum (South Kensington), £28, book ahead, 8.30am-9.30am
SILENT DISCO: Love dancing but can't stand packed, noisy nightclubs? This silent disco is for you. It takes place in a real club with a dance floor and disco lights, but capacity is strictly capped, so there's plenty of room to bust a move without being shoved and squashed — and you can pick between two different music channels. Shoreditch (address provided on booking), £14, book ahead, 7pm-8.10pm (sponsor)
LOUIS THEROUX: Everyone's favourite documentary maker Louis Theroux drops into Southbank Centre to chat to comedian and director Adam Buxton. Theroux discusses his two decades of experience in the TV industry, some of the people he's encountered on the way, and challenges he's faced. Southbank Centre, £15-£35, book ahead, 7.30pm
HAPPY AS LAZZARO: Watch a screening of newly-released Italian drama Happy As Lazzaro. With Martin Scoresese as executive producer, it's the story of Lazzaro, a good-hearted young peasant, and Tancredi, a young nobleman cursed by his imagination, who form a life-altering bond. Harris Academy South Norwood, £8.50/£7/£5, book ahead, 7.45pm-10pm
Thursday 26 September
IT'S A SMALL WORLD: National Trust property 2 Willow Road stays open late for an evening dedicated to all things tiny. Author Simon Garfield discusses our fascination with all things small, from the flea circus to model villages, and what that tells us about the wider world. 2 Willow Road (Hampstead), £15, book ahead, 6.30pm-9pm
JACK THE RIPPER: Author Hallie Rubenhold has just undertaken some new research about the victims of serial killer Jack the Ripper. Hear about her findings relating to the five women who were brutally murdered, including whether everything we think we know about them is actually true. National Archives (Kew), £10/£8, book ahead, 7.30pm-9pm
MATCH GIRLS' STRIKE: Head to Highgate Cemetery to hear about the Match Girls, and their famous strike. They were the young women working in Bryant & May's match factory in terrible conditions for meagre pay in the 19th century. They went on strike in 1888, shaping the labour market for years to come. Highgate Cemetery, £10/£8, book ahead, 7.30pm-9.30pm
Friday 27 September
EMERGE FESTIVAL: We're seriously excited for Emerge Festival, a new event which takes London's cultural institutions after hours, and does truly quirky and original things with them. Think a pop-up gin bar atop Wellington Arch, a party at Jimi Hendrix's house, and skylight photography at the top of The Monument. Various locations and prices, book ahead, 27-28 September
ZANDRA RHODES: A new exhibition opens today dedicated to the life and career of fashion designer Zandra Rhodes. It celebrates her 50 years in the business, showcasing 100 key looks and 50 original textiles. Fashion & Textile Museum (Bermondsey), £9.90/£8.80, book ahead, 27 September-26 January
CULTURE CRAWL: Maggie's Culture Crawl is an annual nocturnal walk raising money for Maggie's Centres, which offer cancer care. Wander 10 miles through London at night, with entertainment along the route, and exclusive access to cultural venues after hours. Kensington Palace, £40, book ahead, from 7pm
Saturday 28 September
TABLETOP GAMING: Keen gamers descend on Ally Pally for Tabletop Gaming Live. The weekend convention includes board games, card games, miniatures, wargames and more, and is chance to see (and play) new releases before they go on sale. Alexandra Palace, from £16, book ahead, 28-29 September
RACE WAR: See the south London premiere of 2018 film Race War. Since the election of Donald Trump, people have repeatedly been asking "Is it racism?". This film dares to ask "Is it a race war?". Ritzy (Brixton), £8, book ahead, 11.45am
TWILIGHT WALK: Take part in a five mile walk around Greenwich and Blackheath in aid of St Christopher's Hospice. The twilight jaunt starts and ends on Blackheath and takes in plenty of impressive sights including views from Greenwich Park, and the Cutty Sark. Blackheath Common, £20/£35, book ahead, 4pm-8pm
Sunday 29 September
DICKENSIAN LONDON: Join a guide from the Dickens Museum for a guided walk around the Borough area, a locale that would have been familiar to author Charles Dickens. Among the sites, see part of the surviving wall of the Marshalsea Prison where his father was incarcerated, and a graveyard which may have inspired a scene from A Christmas Carol. Borough station, £10, book ahead, 11am
JAMES BOND DAY: Don your tux, mix a martini and head for BFI, which celebrates 007 with a triple bill. Most the screenings have sold out but there are still tickets to see Pierce Brosnan's Bond in The World Is Not Enough. Aston Martin's new On Her Majesty’s Secret Service Aston Martin DBS Superleggera Special Edition is on display all day too. BFI Southbank, £24, book ahead, 12pm-6pm
