Well screw us with a Phillips, and call us Billy! London's fourth full-sized Ikea opens in London on 7 February. Here's what you need to know.
Where exactly is Ikea Greenwich?
Millennium Way Retail Park in North Greenwich. 11 bus routes takes you directly there. It's an an 11 minute walk from Westcombe Park Rail or a 10 minute bus ride from Charlton Railway station. Or hop a 10-minute bus from North Greenwich station on the Jubilee line (or take the 22 minute walk). Presuming you're not just here for the meatballs, an Uber or ZipCar home might be sensible.
What's so special about this Ikea?
It's London first new Ikea for 13 years (first proper sized one, anyway — measuring 344,445 square feet). Which shows that even though 46% of London households don't own a car, Londoners still have an appetite for loading up on flat-pack furniture, and spending the rest of their weekend making it go 3D.
But there's more: Ikea has been keen to push this branch as their "most sustainable store". That includes solar panels, greywater recycling and rainwater treatment (reducing the store's water using by up to half). There's also a Learning Lab, where you can get tips on how to make your purchases last longer and how to upcycle. They even teach you how to grow your own food. You know, in your non-existent garden.
Ikea will hope to fare better than its predecessor, which stood on this spot — a sustainable 'eco Sainsbury's'. Hmm.
Is it true there's a rooftop garden?
Indeed. Punters will be able to flee the commercial maelstrom inside, by retreating to a lofty oasis, and sketching panoramas of the Thames on the back of their shopping lists, using tiny wooden pencils. A pavilion and 'sensory wildlife garden' will also be up here. We suppose a reindeer petting zoo is too much to ask for.
And will there be meatballs?
Ja. A restaurant, bistro and Swedish food market are part of the plans. Meaning your Healthy Eating Plan 2019 will be smashed to pieces by the end of Feb, thanks to cheap chicken kievs and Daim bar multipack impulse buys.
I don't live anywhere near Greenwich. Where are the other other Ikeas?
Here's a more sarcastic take on Greenwich's new Ikea.