In case you hadn't noticed, the future of Britain's trade is up in the air right now, thanks to a little thing called Brexit. And when we say up in the air, we want you to imagine an aeroplane nosediving towards the ground at terminal velocity. Importantly though, what does this mean for Snowflake London's most beloved import, the avocado?
The price of avocados is already on the rise and we're yet to leave the EU. If we don't sort out trade deals with Peru, South Africa, USA, New Zealand, Israel — and wherever else grows avocados — we're done for. Avocados could practically vanish from London (the Remain campaign should've run with this, THEN they might have won).
Here we explore the five things that will happen if London loses the avocado.
1. The end of brunch
You can't have brunch without smashed avocado. Oh, theoretically you COULD, but ask yourself when was the last time you went to brunch and nobody at the table ordered anything involving avocado? Exactly.
What will we all do at 11am on a Sunday without brunch? Lumber around in a trance, like aimless zombies. People with sullen eyes look into the windows of Hackney cafes. Tears gently rolling down our cheeks. No smashed avocado? Well we're going to want to smash SOMETHING. We predict a riot...
2. We can all afford houses
On the bright side, millennials will suddenly be able to afford houses. At least, this is Australian real estate mogul Tim Gurner's theory. He believes that young people are forced to rent, because they fritter all their dough on avocado toast. This understanding of economics has been shot down by numerous sources, but we're with Tim on this one. Avocados are at the heart of the housing crisis.
So look forward to kicking back in your zone 2, three bedroom home, after you spent years renting a shithole in Hounslow barely making ends meet. All because of your damned avocado addiction.
3. A new food shall rise
The avocado hype train came out of nowhere in the past few years. It seemed like avocados were just a standard part of the supermarket's fruit and veg section... and then BOOM. London became Avo Central. But surely some other weird-shaped veggie is hovering in the wings. Our money is on the radish.
The radish is grown in England, so none of those pesky trade laws to worry about. Its pink blush is also a gift to Instagrammers. You heard it here first. We can't wait to be served some exorbitantly priced radishes, forked to death on a slice of sourdough.
4. We won't be able to write clickbait-y pieces about avocado related nonsense anymore
5. But don't worry, thanks to global warming we'll be able to grow our own avocados in a few years
Some naysayers warn that global warming is something we should all be seriously worrying about. We're silver linings folk at Londonist, and take a slightly different approach. That heatwave we've had the past few weeks? Just whack it up a few more notches and we'll be able to grow our own avocados. All will be saved.