Londonist has asked me to fervently ejaculate onto the page my knowledge of how and where to be polyamorous in London. It's a hard task. Like the masons, the poly community of London is a secretive group to get into. There's a handshake. There's a lodge. But a sexy one. Made of leather. We have a penchant for white gloves. And we want to take over the world.
Spotting a polyamorist in London is difficult — as, would you believe, we look like everyone else. And hang out everywhere else that everyone else hangs out in. But there are differences. We are nocturnal, only travel on tandem bikes and normally can be spotted with a Filofax ring binder. Our time management is on point. Our favourite tube lines are the Jubilee and Central line.
I have been polyamorous for a few years, and I would be lying if it wasn't to open my chances of finding a long standing person to have a Two-Together Railcard with, after the heart break of my 15-25 Young Persons running out this Thursday. *sob*
So. HOW, and indeed WHERE, to be polyamorous in London. I hope you take this as seriously as I do.
1. Get a Fedora.
2. In order to make it clearer to each other that we are poly, most polyamorists will carry a red flower out of their left pocket to tell you that they are 'in the sexy lodge' . Red flower says: "I'm married but we are non monogamous", Orange flower says "I've got multiple partners but can be persuaded to take on more". And Green flower says "I don't understand this. This isn't a flower. It's celery".
3. Under our turtlenecks, most polyamorists wear an upside down crucifix, so you know that we are one of the unholy ones and definitely going to hell because of our refusal to settle down like our grandparents.
1. London is expensive. Save yourself the entry fees on the expensive sex parties that are all over London and involve submitting a picture of yourself for someone to judge, and instead just have a party at yours. Safe, fun, more open and you're in charge of the cheese board.
2. People are busy — organise joint cinema trips. The Prince Charles in Leicester Square has a large enough theatre space to accommodate all your partners, their children, their children's children, and their stepdads.
3. Dating can be a nightmare. For large groups of polyamorists I recommend Oxygen Free Jump. You can see each other's physical fitness, there is room for everyone, and if one of your partners is being irritating, you can jump away from them and chat to Tarquin and Lucinda about the sex party you're organising.
1. Two words: vegan cafes. Cafe Van Gogh in Oval is a poly hot spot. You'll see tons of us sitting around together drinking from one bowl of oat milk.
2. Another two words: round tables. We refuse to sit on rectangles — as equality is integral.
3. Also — we're busy. It's hard tandeming all over London to meet all your partners. Especially when you have multiple non zero hour jobs to do, rent to pay and flowers to buy. So, find one cafe, and get everyone to meet you there. Practical. Helps all your partners and their partners meet each other's partners. I recommend Cable Bar and Cafe in Oval (Tuesday night jazz is writhing with polys) or Scooter Café in Waterloo.
Crucially, the best place to be polyamorous, and where to meet other polyamorists, is at Elf Lyons' show, Swan, at Soho Theatre, 28 November-4 December 2017.