The Times just published a tour de force in wellness wankery (£). It may be an experiment in how far they can deviously troll their readership, before they notice something's awry. But if this isn't a hoax... well, god save us all. Let's indulge ourselves in a day in the life of London model, photographer and charcoal addict Alex Beer, counterpointing with our own everyday rituals.
Wellness person: 5.55-6.45am - I wake up and immediately rehydrate.
Us: 5.55-6.45am - I am still asleep.
Wellness person: I have a glass of Rebel Kitchen raw coconut water (you should be drinking slightly pink coconut water not white, as that’s more concentrated) and dilute it with normal water at a ratio of 2:1. I take multivitamins and vitamin C boosters.
Us: I have a mug of tea (you should be leaving the tea bag in there for at least five minutes, as that makes it more concentrated) and dilute it with semi-skimmed milk at a ratio of 20:1. I look at the packets of multivitamins I've never opened.
Wellness person: Then I do some meditation, where I might recite some mantras. One of them is, "All my relationships are harmonious and full of love," which is good if you are working with difficult clients.
Us: Then I do some meditation, where I might recite some mantras. One of them is, "Seriously, if my housemate doesn't get out of the bathroom in five minutes I am going to wet myself."
Wellness person: My wife got me into yoga eight years ago.
Us: I've been telling my wife that I've been going to yoga for eight years.
Wellness person: The community at F45 is incredible. Everyone gives each other advice on health and nutrition and motivates each other. I like to mix with like-minded people. I’m not going to hang out with people who like to drink a lot at the pub.
Us: The pub is incredible. It's a community of like-minded people, where everyone is welcome, apart from self-absorbed wellness folk who look down their noses as people who enjoy a Guinness.
Wellness person: At some point between meetings I'll try to have a shot of activated charcoal — they sell it at Pret now. We're so blessed in Britain.
Us: At some point between meetings I'll wish I could have a shot of tequila. They sell vegan sausage rolls in Greggs now. We're so blessed in Britain.
Wellness person: At home I have a quartz crystal that I place next to me when I'm editing photos. And I work by my Himalayan salt lamp. It helps to absorb the magnetic and radioactive waves that are all around you from wi-fi and your computer. Goodness knows what they could be doing to my body. I think in 20 years' time there’s going to be a lot of illnesses related to those waves.
Us: At home I have a Netflix account that I place next to me when I'm trying to work. My heating bills are extortionate, so I try to absorb the magnetic and radioactive waves from my wifi and computer, to keep me warm. In 20 years' time I wonder whether forks and paperclips will fly towards me thanks to all the magnetic energy I've stored up.
Wellness person: 1pm — Fifteen minutes before any meal I take two apple cider vinegar tablets to help with digestion.
Us: 1pm — Fifteen minutes before any meal I eat two Penguins, and immediately wonder why I've done such a thing.
Wellness person: 8.20am — I turn on my HumanCharger, which looks like an iPod and shines light into my ear to give me energy.
Us: 8.20am — I have another cup of coffee.
Wellness person: Every so often I do mood-boarding. It's important to come back to yourself and ask, "Am I happy? What would I like to have?" It can be as extravagant as you like — you don't need to worry about how you are going to get there. Just put out the intention.
Us: Every so often I imagine I'm married to Lily James and can afford the mortgage on a one bedroom flat in Plaistow.
Wellness person: I try not to spend much time on Instagram. Social media is the modern-day heroin. It gives you a hit of serotonin but it’s short-lived.
Us: I spend too much time on Instagram. Social media is the modern-day heroin. It gives you a hit of delicious, short-lived serotonin.
Wellness person: My orange night-time light activates on my phone to allow my body to start shutting down. If my wife is away I might go to another F45 class. It helps me sleep. If she’s around, we might do a yoga class together.
Us: More Netflix.
Wellness person: When I'm on my own I eat lean meat, but I do feel really bad for the animals. Plus, it is scientifically proven that eating meat is not good for you, because when the animal is killed the cortisol they release into their body then goes into yours. But I crave meat. It's partly due to your blood type — some people need it more than others.
Us: I eat meat, and although I feel bad for the animals, I can admit to myself that's it's the fault of my own pitiful weakness, rather than some poor excuse like, say, blood type.
Wellness person: After dinner we chill. I have a sweet tooth so I might have a square of dark chocolate, always 60-80%. And sometimes I enjoy a glass of red wine.
Us: After dinner we chill. I don't have a sweet tooth but I can still put away an entire Toblerone. The oversized airport ones, not the pound shop ones. Sometimes I enjoy a bottle of red wine, always 80-100% of it.
Wellness person: 10.30 Bed. If I’m feeling under the weather I might have turmeric with hot almond milk.
Us: 10.30 Bed. 1am Sleep. Still, at least I'm not feeling under the weather like some poor souls. Been looking after myself more lately.