Every time someone dumps London with a public letter explaining why they're leaving, we feel it's our duty to step in. We love you, London, you lovely, horrible bastard. This time, Sarah E Graham, has aired her messy break up all over the Independent. We've dissected it.
"London is over. Like thousands of young people, I'm so glad I chose to leave."
This is going to be good. Completely unoriginal, but good.
"When I moved to London at 22, fresh out of university, it felt like the most exciting place in the world to live."
It is. They bung a slide on everything.
"Fast forward five years and, 10 months ago, I was moving out for a new life in the Hertfordshire suburbs."
Hang on, isn't it just easier to say 'fast forward four years and two months'? Sorry, we got sidetracked. Carry on. You were saying how you hated London.
"By 2017, I felt alienated by the soulless capitalism of life in the city."
Capitalism in cities sucks doesn't it. Somehow difficult to find one without it though. Norwich maybe? Ah no, mustard capitalism. Dunno then.
"Not only were there job opportunities elsewhere, but the working cultures and cost of living were far less intense."
Pretty sure every town and city north of Borehamwood would take umbrage at being told they have a 'less intense working culture' than London. They think London's just a load of softy lefty media hacks spaffing out lackadaisical, snarky internet fluff. They would also, as you very rightly point out, happily brag all the livelong day about their £2.20 pints.
"Unemployment in the capital might be down, but it's only because we’re choosing to leave for greener pastures at a rate of 100,000 a year."
Er, 47% of London is green space, yeah? Oh — you mean metaphorical greener pastures. OK. You win this one.
"The crisis in housing affordability is making the capital less attractive to those in their late-twenties and thirties..."
"HOLDTHEFRONTPAGE!" roars every brace-wearing, Cohiba-chewing editor in the land.
"Friends in Bristol, Manchester, Derby and Stevenage were moving into proper houses with gardens... I wanted a garden, a dog, and that most precious of commodities – fresh air."
Ah, to feel that pure, virgin Manchester breeze tousle our hair...
"I was free to work from anywhere... I moved to Letchworth Garden City."
Whatever ruffles your truffles. Also: we may have just located that capitalist-less city...
"With my husband still commuting into London daily..."
Huzzawuzza... your poor husband's still venturing into that soulless capitalist hellhole?!
"'It's so quiet, and so dark!' I gushed. 'I haven't heard a siren in weeks!'"
Sort of nice. Sort of worry that Letchworth Garden City doesn't have any police. Or street lamps.
"At night, I can actually see the stars..."
We saw that guy off Detectorists walking down Charing Cross Road recently. Not Gareth off The Office, the other one. Stars everywhere in London innit.
"I get woken up by the sound of kids playing football at 10am..."
Sounds positively horrendous.
"...but otherwise it's just birdsong and sunlight."
And the occasional Disney princess waltzing through the garden, accompanied by cartoon squirrels, no?
"Instead of a pokey flat, we now live in a four bedroom townhouse."
Because we could ALL afford one of those if we left London.
"Most of all, I can finally enjoy London again. I can now take advantage of all that is great about the city..."
Oh you think? Cos we spoke to London. And you hurt London BAD. London thinks perhaps you shouldn't visit anymore. You've taken advantage of London for the last time. Now scurry on back to that Letchworth hussy of yours.