Londonist asks someone some random questions. This time it's clown and comedian extraordinaire Elf Lyons.
Most surreal thing you've ever witnessed?
I went on my first and only Bumble date a month ago — because clearly I had done something appalling in my last life and karma never forgets. My sister said, "Don't worry; the worst thing that can happen is that the conversation is awkward and it ends after a drink." The date lasted less than 15 minutes.
He suggested a wine bar in Clapham. The bar staff looked like the couple from American Gothic, and the place was a cross between a wine bar and a Pilates studio. We sat in the window and, just after he'd ordered the wine, asked me a really stimulating question like "What do you think of Stewart Lee?", a woman walked past, spotted him, stormed in, pointed to him, pointed to me, and said:
"Kayvaan… who is she?"
The longest minute of my life followed. I watched him shrink into himself like a snail as his girlfriend, entirely composed of Lululemon, tore him a new one just through the power of eye contact. The bar staff stared blankly, as if this is a common occurrence in Clapham. The woman behind me chose this moment to put her phone down and live in the moment.
After he chased his girlfriend out of the bar calling, "Let me explain!", I turned to the bar staff and told them it was my first date. They looked at me with pure pity… and then HANDED ME THE BILL FOR THE WINE.
This, to me, was the most unforgivable part of the evening.
You're looking for inspiration for a horror novel: where do you go to write the opening line?
I would probably go to an overpriced coffee shop with terrible wi-fi and an unnecessarily attractive barista who looks like he's made of moustache. I would sit there performatively thinking about what adverbs to use and then attempt to say something clever about said barista's line drawing tattoos. I would then subsequently drop coffee over my laptop or maybe faint… which has happened before and is very much my IP. Then we would fall in love, because just as I fainted I would shout out lots of adverbs. He would let me write my novel at his house, and then I would find out he was actually a vampire, but a kind vampire. And we would live happily ever after.
But for the actual inspiration? If I wanted to write a horror novel, I would probably open up a dating app or walk around Pop Mart for five minutes.
Would you rather be a swan in St James's Park or a raven at the Tower of London?
I would want to be one of the Pelicans in St James Park — they just do not give a f*ck.
And if you could be a building in London?
The UCL Grant Museum of Zoology. If I need to remind myself at how awesome the world is, I go there.
How good are you at London?
My friends nicknamed me the 'Navigatrix' because I don't need a map to walk around this city at all. I know it as well as one of my shows. When I was a kid, my dad told me to avoid taking public transport as much as possible and instead to 'walk' the city. My goal when I was little was to take the Knowledge, so I take pride in how well I know routes and pathways. I can walk from Dulwich up to Alexandra Palace and know the best walking route and can do so without needing a map — same with walking from Ealing to Bow. (Both of which I have done, for no other reason than just to people watch and see what I learned.) It takes time but it means I get to actually see the city I live in and observe so much that I can make work. All my shows I suppose are ingrained in core memories from growing up in London and being the child of two Londoners. From a school trip to the Royal Ballet as a child, to trips to the British Library and London Zoo to see the birds and look at the dinosaurs, to visiting Bloomsbury to learn about the Bloomsbury Group with my dad to understand the world of the economists he loved.
All my shows start with a concept or subject I find interesting, and then I extrapolate and go from there… and all those interests are firmly rooted in my love for this city I was born in.
Elf Lyons brings her five-star-rated The Bird Trilogy (12-20 December 2025) and Horses (7-10 January 2026) to Soho Theatre.
