Londonist Speaks To Count Binface - Ninth Choice For Mayor Of London

By Londonist Last edited 16 months ago
Londonist Speaks To Count Binface - Ninth Choice For Mayor Of London

Hailing from the planet Sigma IX, Count Binface independent political candidate has such zany suggestions as capping the price of croissants and, er, doubling council tax on second homes (Hang on, this all sounds quite sensible.)

Now, Binface — officially the ninth-favourite candidate for Mayor of London — has brought out a book, embellishing on his plans for our planet. Here, we lift the (bin) lid on the alien shaking up human democracy.

Count Binface pumps his arms in front of the City at night time
"How does it feel being the ninth most popular choice for Mayor of London? I'm on Cloud Nine!"
Image: Count Binface

Why did you decide to write a book?

Because these days bringing a book out seems to be the done thing by just about every celebrity (and Matt Hancock). Mine will stand out from the crowd for having taken longer than two Earth weeks to write, and for being brilliant.

How does London compare to the cities on your home planet of Sigma IX?

Not amazingly, to be honest. Our cities aren't strewn with pigeons, dog excrement, big empty houses owned by oligarchs, and an epidemic of American candy stores. I know, I know, all this must sound unfathomable to Earthlings but it's true. We also banish anyone caught using speakerphones on public transport to the Phantom Zone, where they belong. But London isn't all bad. You've got some cracking crazy golf courses for starters. I especially like the one above Stratford car park, where I once enjoyed a few holes with TV personality Ben Fogle. (When you’re running for public office you have to meet all sorts.) PS It was a draw.

Binface high fives with a kid in a Christmas hat
"London isn't all bad. You've got some cracking crazy golf courses for starters. I especially like the one above Stratford car park, where I once enjoyed a few holes with TV personality Ben Fogle." Image: Count Binface

Is it difficult to be serious about politics when you're surrounded by jokers?

It's one of the peculiar yet wonderful quirks of British democracy that you sometimes get these weird maniacs who like to dress up in stupid clothes and take part in elections just for the hell of it. You know, people like Liz and Boris. They're obviously insane and shouldn’t be let even a light year within reach of power, but I applaud novelty candidates like them for having a go. Just next time, voters, please vote the sane guy in. (That's me.)

Count Binface enjoys a pint with Antoine de Caunes of Eurotrash fame. Image: Count Binface

Did you exchange any words/looks with Boris Johnson on election night 2019?

I did! I spoke to him in the only language I felt sure he would understand — classical Latin. We exchanged pleasantries and even a quote from Julius Caesar — "the die is cast". Boris thought I meant that he was now on easy street and that he'd be setting out on five or 10 cushy years in power. As if. What I actually meant was that he was about to be shown up to be the most appalling prime minister the UK has ever had. (Give or take Trussy-Babes.) Little did we know then how many votes I'd won in his constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. 69! That's right, I experienced a surprising 69 with Boris in a north London sports hall on Friday 13th at 3am in the pouring rain. I'd love to say that's a first, but with Mr Johnson you just never know.

Your 2021 mayoral campaign manifesto included £1 croissants and renaming London Bridge after Phoebe Waller—have you concocted any additional people pleasers since then, to maybe shift you up to eighth choice?

I most certainly have. Some real humdingers, I can tell you. (Council tax to be doubled on second homes? Have some of that!) But you’ll have to buy my book to find out all my latest juicy policies. I might be an alien but I’m not commercially naive.

The infamous hand dryer in the Crown and Treaty gents. Image: Count Binface

One of your major manifesto policies was to sort out the dodgy positioning of the hand-dryer in the gents' toilet at the Crown & Treaty in Uxbridge. Did that ever get seen to?

No it bloody didno'! And even more scandalously, I've since discovered more pubs suffering from the same affliction! The Crown & Greyhound in Dulwich is another one. Is it a mere coincidence that these two seemingly dysfunctional institutions appear to be linked to the Crown? I think we should be told.

Assuming you eventually move into 10 Downing Street, what'll be the first thing you do?

Increase the size of the door aperture. It's not made for eight-foot tall aliens with bin-shaped heads. (Yet.)

What On Earth?: An alien's guide to fixing Britain by Count Binface, RRP £14.99. Find it at your local independent bookshop.

Last Updated 22 December 2022