Too late. You missed the 2017 Edinburgh Fringe, and all the world class comedy that goes with it. The good news: some of the fest's recently-announced comedy award nominees and winners are catching the train daan saaf to offer up their highly praised gigs to us lazy Londoners.
Here's who to watch, and when. You'd be aff yer heid to miss them...
Master of the one-line zinger
Adam Hess is Michael McIntyre on acid. His line "There have now been three requests for me to appear on Live At The Apollo but they've said no each time" went down a treat at Edinburgh, hence why he was nominated for Dave's Funniest Joke award. In Cactus, there are plenty more gags where that came from.
Adam Hess: Cactus, Soho Theatre, until 16 September
Surreal comedian with great reviews
Elastic-faced comedian Jordan Brookes received five-star praise by Fest Magazine, describing his show Body of Work as a "breathtaking, hugely original hour". He was also a nominee of the Edinburgh Festival Award 2017 Best Show. Brookes doesn’t appear to be bringing his complete show to London as we write, but we imagine at least parts of the show will creep into his set.
Jordan Brookes, various venues, until 4 November
A silly diversion from horrible reality
Comedy prankster Mat Ewins used crowd interaction and digital animations to entertain the audience in Edinburgh, standing out from the more serious politically-leaning stuff. His Edinburgh show Adventureman 7 — a spoof Indiana Jones set — was nominated for Best Show. If you fancy a distraction from the eye-wateringly bad headlines from around the world at the moment, Ewins can be found doing stand-up shows at various London venues throughout September and October.
Mat Ewins, various venues, until 6 October
I should be so mucky
Lauren Pattison's edgy Lady Muck revolved mostly around a recent break-up — with the messy thrills and spills that followed — and received rave reviews and a nomination for Best Newcomer. She's been described as the next Sarah Millican, if quite a bit dirtier. Catch her performing with Alan Davies on 16 September, plus other gigs around London.
Lauren Pattison, various venues, until 22 September
Celebrate the 'People's Champion'
Young Yorkshireman, and winner of the Amused Moose People's Champion Award, Ian Smith has a genuine likeability factor and a Jon Richardson-style self effacing edge. Although there's no sign of Smith's Edinburgh show Snowflake gracing London in the near future, he will be joining comedy line-ups across the city throughout the remainder of this year.
Ian Smith, various venues, 15 September-4 November
Don't miss this 'Dope' show
Mae Martin, of Radio 4's Mae Martin's Guide to 21st Century Sexuality fame, is bringing her Best Show-nominated performance Dope down from Edinburgh for us to toke on, throughout September. The fresh-faced Canadian comic explores addiction in many of its forms, from social media to, you guessed it, drugs.
Mae Martin: Dope, Soho Theatre, 18-30 September
Sharp political comedy
Described in the Telegraph as 'one of his generation’s most eloquent comic voices', Ahir Shah is bringing his show Control to Soho Theatre fresh from Edinburgh, riding on a wave of fantastic reviews. Although he makes some hard-hitting political points, Shah fills his performance with some seriously sharp lines. No wonder he was nominated for Best Show.
Ahir Shah, Control, Soho Theatre, 26 September-7 October
Winner of Best Newcomer
LA-based comedian Natalie Palamides brings her award-winning show Laid to Soho Theatre for two weeks only. This show isn't for the faint-hearted, or those who don't appreciate a bit of absurdity; having been described as "a Margaret Atwood novel adapted by Vic Reeves". On the surface it sounds like a piece of performance art consisting of Palamides laying egg after egg on stage and deciding whether to raise or eat it — but according to the rave reviews, there's a hell of a lot more to it.
Natalie Palamides: Laid, Soho Theatre, 6-18 November
Funniest Joke nominee
You may have spotted Phil Wang on TV (Live at the Apollo, Have I Got News For You, Would I Lie to You?) He was nominated for Dave's Funniest Joke Award for his one-liner "Dying is a lot like camping. I don’t want to do it". The simple gags are the best.
Phil Wang: Kinabalu, Soho Theatre, 28 November-9 December
Purely joyous and funny
According to The Guardian, Spencer Jones' show Audition contains "one of the most purely joyous and funny sequences I've seen on the fringe". If that's not reason enough to go and see it, Jones was also nominated for Best Show. If you like silliness in its purest form, ping pong balls and just some general clowning around, let Jones inject some sunshine into your dreary December.
Spencer Jones: Audition, Soho Theatre, 11 December-6 January
Relationship loser, Best Show Winner
You'll have to wait until March next year to experience Edinburgh's winning show The Darkness of Robins, in London. But the good news is you can get your tickets now. You might think you'd rather pull out your own teeth with a pair of blunt pliers than listen to Robins harp on about his break up with Sara Pascoe for an hour, but this show's been described by the Guardian as too funny and self-deprecating to be self-indulgent or cringy.
John Robins: The Darkness of Robins, Leicester Square Theatre, 14-18 March 2018