Fresh Meat: What Jobs Would They Get In London?

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 45 months ago
Fresh Meat: What Jobs Would They Get In London?


Fresh Meat is over, and it's time for the residents of Hartnell Avenue to make a go of it in the real world. Howard's plan for 'House 2' in Colliers Wood might have been brushed aside, but like countless graduates, we reckon most of the Fresh Meat massive would end up in London. What kind of jobs could they expect to find in the capital? Here's our careers advice.

How would this rabble fare in the harsh environs of London?


Over four series of Fresh Meat, Oregon has morphed from wide-eyed wannabe Anne Sexton to gonna-be Anne Widdecombe. As someone with the gumption to lie for an entire term about her own name, Oregon is a shoo-in for London's politics scene. Add to the equation those swingeing cuts she made as student union president, and you've got yourself a ready made member of parliament — maybe even future Mayor of London. Which party would she wind up representing? We'll leave that for you to decide.


London doesn't have much time for Kingsley. Not only was his sexual inexperience once revealed while he was being kettled at a student protest here, his most recent trip to the capital saw BBC 6 Music piss all over his hipster dreams. You could probably expect to catch him unleashing the follow up to The Implodium Implodes at a trendy joint like The Shacklewell Arms, but he'd be earning his real bread and butter behind the bar.

Surely a career in the Houses of Parliament awaits Oregon?


The most capricious of the bunch, Josie could actually adapt well to London's harsh job climate. In fact, if she could stay off the sauce for two seconds the former trainee dentist/zoologist/zorber could make a pretty penny running her own events; the thrill-seeking masses of London would lap up a class that involved apple crumble-making while zorbing down Primrose Hill.


Ultimately, a job at Ordnance Survey won't satisfy a cranium like Howard's. The only way he wouldn't leave London for the Pennines/Andes/Moon/anywhere else that gives good rock, is if he went all Mole Man on us, and started tunnelling underneath London. Considering his previous dalliances with cellars (he is, after all, the self proclaimed "Fritzl of revision") we wouldn't put it past him. Reinforce those basements, Hackney.   

Her uni years may have been a bit of a car crash, but Josie could be cut out to be a London entrepreneur


Streetwise and with endless connections in the world of partying/partying substances, we could easily see Vod organising raves somewhere in an industrial estate in Tottenham. Or maybe she'd take Josie's recipe for munge, chuck in a few magic mushrooms and start flogging her hallucinogenic hipster stew out of the back of an old Citroën H van. Either way, London is going to love her.


We'd like to think the posho with a heart of gold would end up sketching edgy cartoons for Vice or making a name for himself on Brixton's street art scene. But neither of those involves performance-related bonues, a company Mini or the need for bantz on tap. JP has already said it himself: Foxtons calls.

JP (centre) might not be the brightest spark in the Fresh Meat household, but surely he's cut out for a lucrative career at Foxtons?

On the whole then, looks like they're going to be OK in London. Maybe they'll get that place in Colliers Wood after all. We'd definitely watch that show.

Last Updated 31 March 2016