The Apprentice is back. Whether you love it like Karren Brady loves the Hammers, or you hate it like Claude Littner hates anything ambitious enough to own a pulse, you can't deny it's a London-centric show which rewards people who know the capital.
In honour of the task where Alan Lord Sugar shoos candidates off into London with a shopping list of eclectic items, we've arranged our own task for you. Think you've got what it takes to impress Sir Al? See how you do with this lot. Answers at the bottom of the page.
1. You need to buy a spiny monkey-orange. Which market do you go to?
a) Smithfield
b) New Spitalfields
c) Columbia Road
d) Billingsgate
2. Lord Sugar cannot get enough of the opera. Il barbiere di Siviglia, in particular, never fails to bring a tear to his little eyes. He'd like you to buy him a top whack ticket for an evening performance at the Royal Opera House. But what's its face value?
a) £115
b) £175
c) £250
3. Lord Sugar wants you to network with a City livery company, and bring him back a business card for his Rolodex. Which livery company is the best one to approach?
a) The Worshipful Company of Information Technologists
b) The Worshipful Company of Magicians and Apothecarists
c) The Worshipful Company of Businessmen and Businesswomen
d) The Worshipful Company of Cold Callers
4. It's a well-documented fact that Lord Sugar loves his mead. He wants you to buy a pint of mead for him and bring it back to the boardroom, so he can drink it in front of Claude Littner and make him jealous. But, as we all know, Lord Sugar only drinks his mead from the tap, not pre-bottled. So where are you going to find that?
a) An industrial estate in Peckham
b) A garage in West Brompton
c) A railway arch in Bermondsey
d) A football pitch in Epping
5. In a cynical move to stir up things between you and your deplorable team mates, one item on Lord Sugar's list is the extremely vague term: 'London Pride'. In fact, you could get away with bringing back one of at least three items to the boardroom. Which one of the following should you definitely NOT bring back?
a) A pint of beer
b) A Noel Coward record
c) A pigeon
d) A flower
6. Lord Sugar's given you an umbrella from Harrods. Only thing is it's bleedin' cream crackered. You need to take it to an expert to get it mended. Where do you go?
a) Fox Umbrellas in the City
b) Fox Umbrellas in Croydon
c) Harrods
d) James Smith & Sons on New Oxford Street
7. When it comes to bragging about being from the East End, Lord Sugar finds it difficult to shut his north and south. One of the objects he's put on the shopping list is 'rats and mice'. What's that rhyming slang for?
a) Dice
b) Rice
c) Ice
d) Rats and mice
8. Next on the list: locate a copy of the 'Blue Book'. But what IS the 'Blue Book'?
a) A list of the best restaurants in London
b) A directory of all the blue heritage plaques in London
c) A selection of routes for cabbies
d) A handbook for the Met Police
9. The clock is ticking and you've still got to find one of those fetching furry hats that Queen's Guards wear. But what should you ask for?
a) A bouvier
b) A busby
c) A berkeley
d) A bouffant
10. You're out of ruddy time! Better hotfoot it back to the boardroom before Lord Sugar explains how useless you are in a torrent of strained similes. Except where actually IS the bleedin' boardroom?
a) Lord Sugar's actual boardroom in an Essex business park
b) In One Canada Square, where various establishing shots suggest it is
c) A studio in Acton
d) An industrial estate in Peckham
Ruddy answers
1. Answer: B. A spiny monkey-orange is a type of fruit. If you're going to find it anywhere, it'll be at New Spitalfields, the UK's biggest wholesaler of fruit, flowers and veg.
2. Answer: B. World class opera for £115? You're having a giraffe. Seeing some fat foreigners wailing their heads off for £315? You're having a giraffe. £175, however? Spot on.
3. Answer: A. All of the other livery companies are made up.
4. Answer: A. If you said B you must have been thinking of the London Cru urban winery. If you said C you were probably thinking of one of many microbreweries. If you wanted to please Lord Sugar with liquid honey alcohol on draught, Gosnells in Peckham is where you should have gone. If you said D then we really have no idea what you were thinking.
5. Answer: C. London Pride is an ale, a flower and a ditty by Noel Coward. Pigeons on the other hand, are the scourge of London. You could arguably have brought na LGBTQ festival to the boardroom too, although that wasn't one of the options.
6. Answer: B. Fox Umbrellas in the City is no longer open. Harrods might have sold you the umbrella but they don't do repairs, and Lord Sugar wants the same umbrella, not a replacement. James Smith & Sons may seem like a good option but they refuse point blank to fix an umbrella unless they made or sold it. Fox Umbrellas in Croydon will sort out your brolly no matter where you got it.
7. Answer: A. If you said anything else, then no dice.
8. Answer: C. This was actually once one of the items that candidates once had to find on The Apprentice.
9. Answer: B. If you said anything else then you're now officially called a berk.
10. Answer: C. Lord Sugar's boardroom is indeed located in a business park in Essex, but there's not enough room to fit a load of candidates and a camera crew in there. You might see the swooping overhead shots of One Canada Square every time there's about to be a boardroom scene, but in reality this area of London has got nothing to do with The Apprentice. The boardroom is in a studio in West Acton, just around the corner from the Bridge Cafe, where the losing team is often to be found sobbing/sniping into their PG Tips. All you're going to find on an industrial estate in Peckham is a load of mead.
How did you bleedin' well do?
0 points: You're fired. 1-2 points: You think you've got away with it, but then you turn out to be the second victim of a 'shock' double firing. So yeah, you're fired. 3-4 points: We're THIS close to firing you. You're going to be project manager next week and you'd better prove yourself. Now get out of our naffin' sight. 5-6 points: We don't want to hear another bleedin' word from you. Go back to the house. 7-8 points: We've arranged a treat for you. Paintballing and cocktails probably. 9-10 points: You're hired. Except the show doesn't follow that format anymore, so the phrase is redundant. A bit like you.
