If you're avoiding your girlfriend (or looking for your boyfriend), we can recommend some fun yet poorly-lit events perfect for hiding (or seeking) so with zip, zero or zilch ado, here are our zingers for this week.
TONIGHT: Northern star Myra Dubois's Sing Out Louise will be at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern tonight bringing musical theatre to the masses. Belting out numbers while the Radio Jiblets provide a live running commentary, we dare Andrew Lloyd Webber to steal this idea. Double dare.
THURSDAY: Burger Queen 2012, the search for London's top fatty, begins on Thursday at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern. Each candidate in this booty contest is grilled on fashion, food and talent by celebrity judges in between performances from RVT favourites like Myra Dubois, Timberlina and Russella.
FRIDAY: The fancy ladies of the Blue Stockings Society have upped sticks and gone west. Co-founders and cheeky funsters Tricity Vogue and Audacity Chutzpah will be celebrating International Women's Day in their new base at Covent Garden's 7onred in the company of the-very-best-thing-to-come-out-of-Belgium-since-Plastic-Bertrand Laurie Hagen, the silky skills of bawdy ballerina Abi Collins and ace burlesquer Ooh La Lou. £10 advance, £12 door, £25 dinner & show.
FRIDAY: Stop all the clocks. Cut off the telephone. Prevent the tears by waving goodbye to Bistrotheque's cabaret room with the juicy Jonny Woo. The venue has seen many great acts and, as one of its original stars, the man known to his bank and local enforcement agencies as Jonathan Wooster will be there to give the place the kind of raucous sendoff which will be remembered long after the night ends. Bring a hanky and stand well back. £15, £10 diners.
SATURDAY: The burlesque treat of the week lands at Volupte as three of the best tassel twirlers around combine in Between The Sheets With Miss Polly Rae. With support like Belgian bombshell Laurie Hagen and the fiery and athletic Kitty Bang Bang, the star of the Hurly Burly Show promises a "energetic, sexy and unique" show. £58 includes 3 courses and show.
SUNDAY: Speed painting and martial arts will be the unlikely bedfellows at LOST Theatre's Sunday Night Live as The Shaolin Warriors line up alongside quickdraw artist Jen Allen and comedy musician Kev Orkian. £12/£10 concessions / Family Ticket or Group rate of £8.00 each (minimum of 4 seats).
MONDAY: It doesn't get much more up close and personal than this: J. Fergus Evans combines music, animation and installation to explore his Deep South origins with a very limited audience. My Heart Is Hitch-Hiking Down Peachtree Street will appeal to anyone who wonders about "home". Continues to Friday.£8/£6
TUESDAY: Nostalgia isn't what is used to be; despite that, the guys and gals of wireless wonders The Fitzrovia Radio Hour will be having the final West End outing tonight of their latest brilliantly bonkers effort. You can see them at the Ambassadors Theatre. £10
Also this week:
Ursula Martinez is well known for her work with circus troupes La Soiree and Le Clique but is probably most famous for performing the ultimate "disappearing hankie" routine (very much not safe for work). Her current Soho theatre show My Stories, Your Emails explores the reaction to that act through stand up, live art and character comedy.
Hans Klok is the quick-fire magician-illusionist-whatever with a blink-and-you-missed-it holy-cow-did-you-just-see-that show called The Houdini Experience at the Peacock Theatre. Particularly good for the ADHD-afflicted and those with fast eyeballs. £19-£52
Brick Lane supperclub The Brickhouse goes every which but loose for its next series of evenings with a carefully-crafted cocktail of circus, comedy, music and burlesque called The Variety Night. £35-£40 if enjoying the four-course meal; otherwise £10 to enjoy the show from the bar area.