If you're looking for love, another love or a hiding place from the current love, there are all sorts of post-Valentine possibilities here so with zip, zero and zilch ado here are our zingers for this week.
Zinger Of The Week: Alp Haydar's Double Lubrication @ Royal Vauxhall Tavern, Thursday
In these recessionary times, when we're watching pennies like new episodes of gypsy-themed TV shows, it's important to find pleasure where we can. Thankfully, London Cabaret Awards nominee Alp Haydar rides to the rescue this week with a double dip into his recent past as he revives two Time Out Critic's Choice productions ahead of his brand new show next week. Turn up to see Haydar struggle with his conscience, his sexuality, his ultra-conservative mother and his Jihadist suicide-bomber boyfriend. The actions takes part both in a plane and, later, in Atlantis as we're taken on on a flight from absurdity to hilarity and back again with cheek and charm in equal measure. Go. Shows are 7pm - 8.30pm and 9pm - 10.30pm. £7 for both shows.
Desmond O'Connor is one of the filthiest fiddlers of ukeleles around. His new night Under The Counter promises to fathom new depths of depravity at the Cellardoor, Zero Aldwych. FREE
Amateur Rembrandts may want to pop into this month’s Dr Sketchy’s Anti-Art School at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern (RVT) to see if there is still life in their drawing skills and lead in their pencil. Materials are provided including paper and inspiration care of a number of burlesque beauties with some fine entertainment mixed in throughout the evening. £15, £10 in advance
Inspired by the works of one David Keith Lynch, the Double R Club returns this month with a packed bill including the inspired burlesque antics of Crimson Skye and the spookiest songstress around, Sarah Angliss alongside regular favourites like the Agent Cooper cocktails. £10
The great, the good and the nominated of the capital's cabaret scene will be squeezing onto the Battersea Barge for the inaugural London Cabaret Awards. We'll be there to take notes, pictures and details of any gossip plus handing out an award to one of these deserving chaps. SOLD OUT.
Proud Camden will be relaunching themselves tonight - no, not to a far off planet, but to the future. Perhaps Time Out will like what they see this time around.
Weekly showcase La Reve continues its recent fine form at the Cafe de Paris, welcoming this week (amongst others) boylesk unicyclist Count Adrian Fettucini, fab flappers The Bees Knees and top hoopster Kalki Hula Girl. £12 without food, up to £75 with.
The best character comedy show around is 2 years old. Help celebrate The Forgery Club's anniversary at the Bethnal Green Working Men's Club in the company of (count 'em) 12 acts including Nathaniel Tapley plus a few surprises along the way. £7 advance, £10 on the door and £9 concessions.
If you forget to get her something for Valentine's Day, grab a ticket at SE18's Hangar Arts Trust as Aircraft Circus put on a night of aerial burlesque called Cirque d'Amour. Show continues on Saturday. £18 on the door, £15 advance, £12 concessions.
The 2012 Musical Comedy Awards has reached the quarter-final stages. Croonmeister Frank Sanazi will be introducing six acts hoping to follow in the (goose)steps of pop revisionists Frisky and Mannish and improv-rappers Abandoman. £7
Float like a butterfly, sing like Milli Vanilli: master mimers The LipSinkers are at Bistrotheque. £12, £10 diners. (See below)
The Vault Festival continues with a night of up-and-coming cabaret courtesy of Baxter's Basement. They promise a new line-up, a different theme and free entry for each of their shows - what more could you ask for?
La Clique and La Soiree's "bell-bottomed buffoon" Carl-Einar Hackner transfers his Swedish Meatballs from Soho Theatre to the roomier environs of The Roundhouse. Show continues on Tuesday. £10/£8 concessions.
Two recession-friendly options elsewhere: there be drag queens at the Cellardoor for a very round price or you can watch Timberlina publicly fondle his smooth balls at the RVT’s weekly bingo for £1 a round.
Check out LaJoseph John’s gender-blending Boy In A Dress at the Ovalhouse. We loved his turn at last year’s Alternative Eurovision and this show is a compendium of his three solo memoir shows. Show continues until 3 March. £14.
Going out to those with broken hearts, "it's complicated" love lives or an unhealthy addiction to Dolly Parton (you know who you are), here's tranny troupe Lipsinkers at Bestival taking on country classic Jolene featuring Ryan Styles, Spanky and London Cabaret Awards judge Lisa Lee. The Lipsinkers will be appearing in the flesh this weekend at Bistrotheque.