Controller: Come in, Car 274. Over.
Controller: Are you there, Car 274? Can you hear me? Over.
Controller: Car 274? Are you alive? Over.
Car 274: Hello?
Controller: Car 274, where are you? Over.
Car 274: Um. I'm not entirely sure.
Controller: Car 274, we have a job at the Young Vic. Can you make it there tonight? Over.
Car 274: Er, I think so.
Controller: Mighty good of you, Car 274. You'll be picking up a pair of Harold Pinters. They may be a bit groggy as they're a couple of oldies that have only just been revived. The shorter one is about a taxi driver seemingly lost in time and space, tethered to reality only by the words of his increasingly distraught controller. You'll be taking Victoria Station to a sudden conclusion after about ten minutes. Over.
Controller: Did you get those details, Car 274? Are. You. There? Over.
Controller: CAR 274? AM I KEEPING YOU UP? HELLO! OVER!
Car 274: Yes, hello. Um. Ok. Young Vic. Pair of Pinters.
Controller: Yes, Car 274. Yes. Well done. I think we'll have to have a long chat when you next come in. Or maybe a short one. A very short one. We'll see.
Controller: Car 274, please keep your headlights on for this drop-off. There are dark twists and turns as well as some black humour in this punchy tale and I wouldn't want you getting lost. Or worse. Heaven forbid.
Controller: Car 274? Did you get that? Over.
Car 274: Headlights. Dark twists. Check.
Controller: Yes. Fantastic. For the second drop-off, make sure you're fueled up as it's a longer journey of about 40 minutes. You'll be taking One For The Road to a trio of interrogation scenes that make 1984's Room 101 look like the VIP suite at the Playboy mansion. Road will need some space in the back seat for its overtly political posturings and larger cast. Over.
Controller: Oh, and one last thing. This menacing pair of plays are good long-term customers. Don't screw this up, Car 274. Otherwise I'll destroy you bone by bone. I'll suck you in and blow you out in little bubbles. I'll chew your stomach out with my own teeth. I'll eat all the hair off your body. You'll end up looking like a pipe cleaner. Get me?
Victoria Road/One For The Road is at the Young Vic until 15 October. More information here.
The reviewer went along on a press ticket.