All hail our tealeaves, for they confirm that everyone* who goes to one of this week's cabaret recommendations will enter a state of rapture sometime after 6pm (Londonist 23:5) so with zip, zero and zilch further ado, here are our Zingers for this week.
Zinger Of The Week: KYABERE, tonight @ Bush Theatre
It's highly unusual for us to be excited about a Monday but tonight you can see a one-off lineup of do-gooding cabaret superstars that would only be more famous if they filed a superinjunction**.
All in aid of the Japanese Red Cross, there will be burlesque aplenty including Kiki Kaboom, Laurie Hagen and Kitty Bang Bang, cabaret from the talented likes of Sarah-Louise Young, Tricity Vogue and Dusty Limits and music from Holly Penfield and special guests The Correspondents.
Monday's Zingers: You can go see our Zinger Of The Week or you can see Frank Sanazi at a comedy night helping to raise money at charity event for Kidney Cancer Research (£15-£27), play bingo at the RVT (free, £1 a round), get some free drag queen action down t'CellarDoor or enjoy musical theatre in Little Venice (£10).
Tuesday's Zingers: Raunchy revolutionaries EastEnd Cabaret invade Lewisham (£3) for their own charity performance in aid of The Jimmy Mizen Foundation and there's a kooky cocktail of poetry, performance artists and live hiphop down at Brixton's Hootananny (free).
If you want to try something a wee bit cutting edge, we rate UnderConstruction at Bistrotheque (£5) which this week has Pia Arber, John van der Put, Jonathan Jones and Matthew Hickey.
Wednesday's Zingers: Humpday brings us sexy delights for all. Pop into Volupte to see Gracie G and the G-Spots plus their guests (£14); expect music, boylesk and burlesque.
Or you can dally à la Dali at Salvador & Amanda's Cirque Du Surrealism with living artwork from Oozing Gloop and Balearic burlesquing from Rosie Cheeks.
Thursday's Zingers: Fresh from rocking Lewisham on Tuesday, London's favourite reds under/on/in the bed EastEnd Cabaret preside over this month's Sex Education-themed Night Of The Blue Stockings (£7/£5). Forget what you heard on the playground, leave the manuals at home and get inside tips from founders Audacity Chutzpah and Tricity Vogue, a cast of cabaret and burlesque gems and assorted sex education games. Bring your own cucumber.
Arguably the most argumentative and challenging star in the cabaret constellation, alt-drag icon David Hoyle returns to the RVT (£10) ready to take on allcomers - go along if you think you're hard enough.
Friday's Zingers: Kick off the last Bank Holiday weekend for months at the Udderbelly as rising stars Abandoman take over the inflatable purple cow (£12.50) with their unique brand of improv rap.
If you like your cabaret edgier than a dodecahedron, head down to Stratford Circus to experience the Eat Your Heart Out crew (£9/£6).
In deepest, darkest
HipstervilleDalston, Die Freche Muse invite you to get down and dirty in the flirty 1930s with burlesque from Lalla Morte, Miss Miranda and Kitty Devine (£10/£12.50).
Saturday's Zingers: The ever-effervescent Duckie at RVT (£6) will again be hosted by the Madam-Mayoress-of-Camden-Amy-Lamé with DJs Readers Wifes and The Cloths on door-whore duties. This week's instalment features The Ten Minute Musical.
Cafe de Paris' Wam Bam Club (£35/£99) welcomes back the excellent Scales Of The Unexpected and Shirley Shirley while across town in Streatham, Poetical Cabaret at the White Lion (nowt) blends burlesque, magic and music in an experimental fashion. Bring lab coats, goggles and spare change as this event will be raising funds for music4children.
Sunday's Zingers: Relax. Read a book. Find inner peace. Catch up on celebrity gossip. Create your own superinjunction alias. Go, shoo.
Proactive people can put their name down now (that's your own name, Chris Huhne) for a ticket to see upcoming shows Men Over Broad, The 2nd Annual Miss Twin Peaks Contest and the London Burlesque Week 2011 Encore: Sexy Sideshow.
This week's video is from the chap-hop duo The Correspondents who you can catch tonight at KYABARE.
* OK, maybe not everyone. Your statutory rights are unaffected.
** Those rumours about A******* C******* and a goat are completely and utterly untrue. Obviously.