Basement of a top-end central London hotel. A tired, smartly dressed personal assistant perches on an upturned drinks crate, talking into a mobile phone. A tall, bulky figure in black leather lurches around in the background.
Yes, Simon Cowell, that’s right. It was his party. 50th birthday. Yeah, London. It’s okay. The accents are cute. But it’s two days now, and he’s not stopped for a second -
- David! David, if you do that again to my leg, you will never leave this basement, never! Stop it!
Yeah, sorry, he’s doing it again. Basement. We’re waiting in the basement until the ambulance comes.
Because he punched the doctor. Ha! He was trying to punch me! But he missed. Yeah, lucky me. They should have called the police. He’s been a real pain. We’re in here until the people from the clinic come. Shawshank? Jesus, no. Well, it’s more like Saw, the first movie.
[In the background] MY TROUSERS HURT. Help me. Where is the floor?[Getting angry] Is this it? Is it? Tell me, youmonkey-flavoured robot bassstards
And those mattresses I could have died of embarrassment. Soiling one in this hotel is bad enough but two! How did he manage to soil two? I just couldn’t explain it. They were nice about it but everyone really had had enough.
[In the background] Geeerrr-RAAASSSALLL ballagher buh-buh-buh DON’T MESS WITH THE HOFF. [Punches lamp post] I am Knightrider! I’m a Knight, a lord of the realm! I AM THE LORD OF THE DANCE! [Attempts Irish high-kicking dance, trips then falls into a gibbering heap]
He’s okay, we’ll put him in a clinic for the next two days, see how he’s doing then take him home. Oh, I know, I know. But we’ve done this before. See you soon, ciao ciao.
David? David, are you okay? Will you be ready to go soon? Yes, you were bad. Yes, I know you’re sorry. I love you too, man. No, stop that. Stop that right now. [Crashing and banging and swearing then silence] Oh, David. Not again. [Pause. He dials another number on his phone] Hello? Yeah, it’s me. Yeah, still here. He’s quiet now. So what’s the weather like over there?
Detail from image "over-relaxed" by Rooney from the Londonist Flickr pool.