Win: Tickets To Alan Davies At The BAC

By caroliner Last edited 105 months ago
Win: Tickets To Alan Davies At The BAC

As part of the SW11 literary festival, which kicks off today, the curly haired wonder that is Alan Davies will be speaking about his new memoirs, 'My Favourite People and Me', which was published last week and covers the early part of the comedian's life. The talk is at the Battersea Arts Centre this Friday at 7pm, and we've got three pairs of tickets to give away to you, dear readers, absolutely free.

If you'd like to be in with a chance of winning, simply post your favourite, funniest joke in the comments box below. Groaningly old or sparklingly new, we'll take our pick of the puns later on today and notify the lucky comics accordingly. That's provided, of course, that we don't crack our ribs by laughing too much first...

Last Updated 07 September 2009


What's green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.


I am at least going to congratulate you on breaking the comedy ice.


So a piece of string walks into a bar and says to the barman "Can I have a pint?" and the barman says "No. I've said this before, we don't like string in this bar, we don't serve string, we hate string, get out and don't ever come back." So the string goes back to his flat and tarts himself up a bit to disguise himself because he really wants this pint. And he goes back to the bar and says "Hi mate, can I have a pint?" and the barman says "Aren't you a piece of string?"
"No. I'm a frayed knot."


That's stepped it up a level of sophistication... any more?


A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is awful.
Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."


Prepare to groan:

Chicken and egg are together in bed. Chicken is lying back, smoking a cigarette. Egg rolls over in a grump and says, "Well, I guess that answers that question."


What's yellow and dangerous?

Shark infested custard.

Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night.


What's red and stands in the corner?

A naughty strawberry.


There are two men sitting at the bar. One shouts "I slept with your mother!" The bar goes quiet as everyone waits to see what the other guy will do. "I slept with your mother!" the first man yells again.

"Go home Dad, you're drunk."


Hope I'm not too late -

A woman was shopping at her local Tescos where she put the following items in her basket:

One dozen large eggs, a cabbage, one pint of milk, and 500g of chicken breasts.

As she placed her items on the conveyor belt at the checkout, a drunk man standing behind her watched very closely. As the cashier was totaling her items, the drunk calmly said,"You must be single."

The woman was taken off guard, but she was intrigued by the drunks prediction, since she was in fact a single girl. She looked at her food items on the counter and saw nothing unusual about her purchase that could have informed the drunk that she was single.

Curiously, she said "Yes, you're right. But how in the world did you know that?" The drunk slurred, "'Because you're ugly. "


I own a helicopter (bet you didn't know that). It's a bit more complicated than a car and I have to employ two teams of mechanics to look after it.

They work on a rotary system.


This one's a bit blue.

"No it's not, it's red!".

Sorry, here's the actual joke:

Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

"Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"

Then POOF! .. she was gone!

After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"

Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."



Can't resist my old favourite.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.


Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an
Aussie are all walking together one day..
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada'
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Pakistan, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the countries. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Aussie sits down on his Harley , cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,
'Fill the fecker with water.'


Thanks very much for your entertaining efforts. The competition is now closed- check your email to see if you've won!