"Mummy, Where's The Toilet? I Need To Do A Code Three Incident"

Dean Nicholas
By Dean Nicholas Last edited 112 months ago
"Mummy, Where's The Toilet? I Need To Do A Code Three Incident"

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The litany of euphemisms for the body's excretory functions is immense, and we're all familiar from childhood with Numbers One and Two, but what release of effluvial matter would a Number Three involve? Scotland Yard's police control room in Lambeth has instructed workers that their bathroom visits must now be logged as "Code Three" incidents, in a misguided, target-led attempt to reduce the number of "unnecessary breaks" taken by staff who dare to drain their bladders on company time, the rotters. Understating it somewhat, one officer described the move as "deeply offensive and humiliating", though Superintendent Russ Hanson-Coles defended the system, saying it was done to ensure best use of limited resources and pointing out that it referred to any unscheduled break, not just a nip into the john. Daresay any diabetic or, heaven forbid, pregnant employees having their time on the porcelain proscribed might make a decent legal fist of this story.

Last Updated 28 July 2009