Terror Terrapin Forcibly Retired

By Hazel Last edited 116 months ago
Terror Terrapin Forcibly Retired

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Image by Peppermint Nightmare from the Londonist Flickr Pool
In a quiet domestic garden, three terrapins sit under a hedge. One terrapin is particularly large and cross

Big Angry Terrapin: You know I deserve more than this. I used to lord it over a whole pond - in Holland Park! I could eat all the ducklings, dragon fly larvae and newts I could want... no one could touch me.

Small Terrapin 1: [bored] Yes, yes, we know, you had it all, it was all yours for five years. The whole pond, all the wildlife, blah blah blah.

Small Terrapin 2: [admiring] You almost killed off the newt population. To think, you were left there as a small, palm-sized pet terrapin, abandoned after the novelty wore off in that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles phase. And then you became king! A dinner-plate sized terrapin king!

Big Angry Terrapin: I was terrapin king pin.

Small Terrapin 1: We all survived that Ninja Turtle phase. We turned out just fine, living in this garden of a maintenance man. We didn't resort to assaulting pondlife and pumping ourselves up to monster proportions to feel good about ourselves.

Big Angry Terrapin: Damn them for draining that pond! That leak didn't really need fixing! And then dragging me here for my retirement - the shame!

Small Terrapin 1: I heard you were lying in the undergrowth, crying like a baby when they caught you.

Big Angry Terrapin: I was choking on a dragon fly. They're prickly. Not crying.

Small Terrapin 2: I'm glad you're here. You can tell us all about the time you were nearly caught in a baited crab pot but managed to escape.

[Dead silence]

Small Terrapin 2: The man will be here soon with some of those nice generic reptile food pellets. That'll be nice, won't it? Won't it?

Big Angry Terrapin: I bloody love newts. They slip right down. I miss being in Holland Park.

Small Terrapin 1: I miss you being in Holland Park too.

Big Angry Terrapin: I had it all... it was all mine... no more... no more...

Last Updated 14 January 2009