Couldn't Escape If We Wanted To: Nul Points

Eurovision has become synonymous with daft songs with ridiculous lyrics and performers. These days the whole shebang is (just a little) more slick and sophisticated, but there are some bonkers entrants. From next Saturday on, we'll be previewing this year's sparkling selection of songs, 2 sets every week until May 10th. But first, what about the songs that didn't make it?

Slovenia had the hilariously named Steffy & Donald Trumpet playing a sort-of Eastern European jaunty folk oompah-pah tune with added trumpet.

The Lithuanians had 2 particularly wonderful entries: Cockroach Love & Bad Salad Ballad. The former was a pop song, both sad and bouncy, about "looking for love, looking for a person or a cockroach to love". Cockroach in this case is literal: the female singer is simply looking for a "cockroach to love" as "someone to light her up!". Maybe she means glow-worm? Bad Salad Ballad, firstly, is not a ballad. It is, however, about a bad salad. We're treated to a narrative of the band making a salad and everything going wrong. How emo. The lyrics also feature a pig called Peggy and a cow called Katie-Lee. Seriously.

Look at this Latvian woman singing Dun dun dari run dun dari repeatedly. They're the only lyrics.

Romania had a heartfelt country + western ballad dedicated to a traffic warden!

One of the highlights of Portugal's selection was the jaunty song "Ai Pode" (iPod) with its refrain of "Ai Pode, Ai Tunes".

Brilliant. Now, onto the really good stuff...