Mama Mouse: [To her eight happy children] My darling children, how happy you all look at our Monday morning breakfast table in our beautiful home in the Cheesegrater. Did you have a good weekend?
Mouslings: We had a wonderful weekend! We went to all our favourite night clubs such as Movida, Pangea, Crystal and Chinawhite which we can now frequent because we are rich nd privileged due to the dubious "family business" you and Tim-Tim run from your bedroom.
Tim-Tim: I am pleased, dear children. I was worried you would have no where to play when the clubs were closed last Monday and no clear reason was given by Scotland Yard or the clubs themselves as to why closure was necessary.
Mama Mouse: Still, the closures did not seem to bother Prince Harry on Tuesday. Mahiki was still open and it sounds like he had a good time. Apparently, he drank expensive cocktails from a diver's helmet and according to this weblink here, "Another mate spilt a cocktail and it soaked Harry's blazer, but he didn't care. He's wild."
Tim-Tim: Oh yes. He rocks that blazer like a wild thing. Mmm-hmmm.
Mama Mouse: It was very lucky that the decision to close the clubs was overturned on Thursday but still with no clear explanation why the closures were necessary.
Mouslings: We heard that Kate Middleton was dancing to Dirrrty by Christina Aguilera and her favourite Claire's Accessories earrings flew off. She was so distraught at losing them, Scotland Yard closed the clubs and dug up several roads around London in a frantic search for it. However, Prince William bought her a Cornish pasty and downloaded a ringtone of Catherine Tate doing the "Am I bothered?" sketch for her, which pleased her and she called off the search.
Creepy Disembodied Voice: Which is just as well as I have no intention of returning this earring to Miss Middleton!
Mama Mouse, Tim-Tim and Mouslings: Gasp!
Creepy Disembodied Voice: That's right, I have the earring! I took it from the dance floor of Chinawhite! I have no regrets!
Mama Mouse: But... who are you? Why did you do it? Don't you know some of the children in Chelsea were almost forced to go to a Wetherspoons because of your reckless behaviour?
Creepy Disembodied Voice: It is I, Papa Mouse! [Papa Mouse jumps out of the plasma screen TV, carrying the Claire's Accessories earrings] And I took the earring for YOU! Mama Mouse, I love you, take me back, please, I beg you! Take this gift as a token on my undying love...
Tim-Tim: Speaking of undying love, didn't you die quite recently?
Papa Mouse: Hahahaha! That's what I wanted you to think... the Cheesegrater is actually 45 per cent polystyrene so I sustained very few serious injuries. But enough about me...Mama Mouse, Mouslings, will you take me back?
Mouslings: Oh Mama Mouse, what will we do?
Mama Mouse: My darlings, this is just all too much...
To be continued...