Big Brother: Deeeyah Wun In Tha Big Brutha Howse

By Jo Last edited 170 months ago
Big Brother: Deeeyah Wun In Tha Big Brutha Howse

The animals went in two by two, hurrah. Hurrah! There'll be something else to watch on telly apart from the bloody football! And, good news for all us addicts across the land, the inhabitants of the Big Brother ark this year are weirder than ever.

Last night's opening ceremony - or casting-off, maybe? - was a treat, despite the fact that it clashed with the Eurovision semi-finals (did anyone else catch presenter Paddy O'Connell "welcoming back" all the viewers who'd switched over to BB and switched back during the breaks, saying that Eurovision is a "far superior form of reality TV"? Made us laugh, anyway). It's great to see Big Mama Davina back (don't sprog before the end of the series, pleeeeeease) and the inside-out house is fun, but of course it's the housemates who are the real attraction. Although, if you find yourself attracted to any of the contestants this year, please, please, we urge you, seek medical help. Except for Imogen, who, apart from the drawback of being from the wrong side of Offa's Dyke, seems pretty normal and, well, pretty. "Sexual predator" Richard and Lisa are possibly passable, too. Man-babe Mikey would be alright, if you had the option of extracting his brain - preferably through his nose, with a big pair of tweezers, Egyptian mummy-style - and replacing it with the brain of someone who wasn't a self-confessed misogynist and "ugly people hater" and more narcissistic than Makosi (and we didn't think that was possible).

The pairing thing caused us some déjà-vu last night, as one chicken-brained Sloane ranger followed another into the house, and the Welsh and gay parties made their entrances. Telling the difference between Nikki and Grace is going to be tough - and do they really know each other? And do they know trustafarian bigot George, who isn't a homophobe, honest - he just "doesn't like camp gay men"? It was hilarious watching George, who is keen to play up his blue-blood credentials (he's better than us, dontchaknow), become progressively stonier- and stonier-faced as the procession of new freak-flesh to feed the BB machine continued; as someone over on the SA forums noted, perhaps he's waiting to put some Zyklon B pellets in the showers.

If George kept his poison in his suitcase, the poor little eyebrow-pierced twit might have a bit of a wait ahead of him; the only housemates to receive their full kit were new members of the Big Brotherhood, Lisa - the hyperactive one - and Shahbaz - the gay Glaswegian, who has been following Canadian muscle Mary Richard around like a lost lamb, and who was disappointed the crowd didn't boo him because he's "so controversial". This raises the appalling prospect of gold-digging Nikki having to wear her 'ironic' Playboy bunny outfit all week. Ha, ha, ha. Please, Lisa and Shahbaz, induct her into the Brotherhood quickly - we're feeling ill at the thought of watching that bunny tail bob all over the place for seven days.

Phew, so much to say and we haven't even mentioned the other housemates yet - livewire rock'n'roller "WANKER!" Pete who has Tourette Syndrome, Bonnaaaah who suffers from some sort of speech impediment - seriously, what is her accent? Can anyone help?, hatchet-faced surgery addict Lea who has done porn (WARNING: links are NOT WORK SAFE and NOT MIND SAFE - click at your own risk), Gallophone Glyn who is far, far too young for the house and is getting our maternal side all in a tizzy, Billy No-Mates "up at the crack of" Dawn, and sleazy Gordon Gekko wannabe Sezer, who perhaps ought to have been named after that other famous general Napoleon (because he's short, hahaha, geddit? Geddit?). The wait is over, the house is full - until the golden ticket holders and/or other random newbies turn up, at least - and the ark has set sail. Who walks the plank first is up to us, the Great British public - we can just tell our phone bill this series is going to be astronomical.

Did you attempt to purchase a golden ticket via eBay? Well, tough shit - the auction has been withdrawn for violating eBay's rules - or annoying Channel 4's lawyers, you decide.

Free clips available from the official C4 BB website. DS: BB is another invaluable resource. We'll be spending every spare minute in the SA BB thread. God bless the internet.

Last Updated 19 May 2006