Since discovering that her marriage into British Royalty might have been based around an early Heat poll a month or so after Lock, Stock etc was released, Madonna's further excavation of her family tree has revealed that she's perhaps a little closer to the real thing than she might ever have imagined.
Now you might be wondering why this is in anyway worthy of coverage, anywhere, but read on faithful Londonistas as we reveal a far more insiduous threat to our heritage than a post-past it pop princess with dodgy taste in films.
So the story goes that Madge is a distant relative of one Zacharie Cloutier who lived from 1617 to 1708. And so is Camilla Parker Bowles. So that means... they're both related. In a weird-arse hundred and eighty degrees of separation kind of way. But wait for it. There's more. Camilla is also a distant relation of one Jean Guyon, who lived from 1619 to 1694. And Jean is a distant relation to... Celine Dion. So they're both related too. Which means that Madge and Celine are also kind of related, maybe.
But the thing about Jean and Zacharie is they're both from Quebec. Which means, that if we're not careful, after all the other genetic variations, our Royal Family could be a little bit French Canadian!!!!!!!!!! Ye Gods, that side of the family will never get on with the German side. It'll be chaos. We'll have a new line of princes called Therrance and Phillipe. Celine and Madge might record a family album together. Camilla might guest. Daily Mail readers might buy it. Run to the Rockies folks, the end of the world started yesterday.
Seriously though, we here at Londonist Towers believe that we're all part of one big global, slightly disfunctinal happy human family. And although we're over the moon for this great reunion (everyone finding their long lost cousins, fifty seven times removed) we think that all the names on the descendant's ladder that hangs from Jean Guyon and Zacharie Cloutier should also be informed. Each and every genealogical rung all being allowed to share in this very special bond between the mighty nation states of Great Britain, The United States of America and Canada (and maybe France, but only a little bit). We'd even like to encourage you all to help out if you have a spare lunch break. Track down a few of Jean and Zacharie's other descendants, let them know. Send them a reminder: "Hey, Dirty Arthur McSquirt, you are a relative of Madonna and Camilla and Celine Dion's. Your days as a spare tire dealer in Buttfuck, Idaho are over, come join the party". Can you imagine the reunion. They'll have to hire out Luxembourg.
We promise you the next post will be slightly more news worthy. Maybe.
