Political Personals

By London_Nick Last edited 155 months ago
Political Personals

As one Londonista said the other day, "we can't ignore it!" - Valentine's Day is here, and love is in the air, even here in Westminster. Many people find power sexy. Others claim that politics is "showbusiness for ugly people" (why else would I be so rabidly political?) On this Valentine's Day therefore, Londonist has a treat for you!

Do you fancy being part of a political sex scandal? Do you want to sell your story for thousands of pounds to the News of the World? Do you want to appear on Celebrity Big Brother, alongside other questionable "celebrities", just for dropping your drawers for one of our nation's political elite? Do you want to be represented by Max Clifford? Well, here's your chance, as we count down the UK's 10 most eligible politicians!

10. Gordon Brown

Prime Minister in waiting, so get ready to pack your bags for Number 10. At least you won't have to worry about moving too far. WLTM woman to heal bruises after being thumped by the Lib Dems in Dunfermline. Let's make a "deal". Likes: money. Dislikes: My neighbours.

9. David Cameron

The REAL Prime Minister in-waiting seeks middle-of-the-road woman. Recently came 92nd in New Woman magazine's "World's sexiest men" poll (well, it's a start!). Likes: to be called "Tony" in bed. Dislikes: women in flip-flops.

8. Hilary Armstrong

Labour Chief Whip seeks man to spend (imminent) retirement with. Must have good judgement, and never return home early, no matter what I say(!) Likes: people who follow orders. Dislikes: Tories.

7. Ruth Kelly

Education Secretary seeks man to protect her from egg-throwers. Handkerchief to wipe yolk off a must. List 99ers welcome (but must go through tougher police checks first). Likes: Nice, sensible haircuts. Dislikes: Eggs in any form.

6. David Blunkett

Ex-minister WLTM nice lady to spend retirement with. Not fussy about looks. Dog lovers especially welcome. Can share Belgravia ministerial home, but likely to move soon. No reporters. Likes: The Sun. Dislikes: nannies.

5. Simon Hughes

WLTM anyone - male or female, but discretion when talking to the press a must. Needs shoulder to cry on after imminent defeat in leadership contest. Peter Tatchell need not apply. Likes: anything goes! Dislikes: the press.

4. Mark Oaten

WLTM young, discreet men for fun. Will make it worth your while. Likes: REMOVED - too disgusting to describe. Dislikes: the News of the World.

3. Charles Kennedy

WLTM whisky bottle/red-headed lady with glassy complexion. Long neck preferred. Must enjoy a "wee dram". Enough strength to carry people out of pubs a must. Likes: alcohol. Dislikes: hangovers.

2. Patricia Hewitt

Health Secretary WLTM non-smoker for fun times. Grumpy Scotsmen need not apply (yes, you, John Reid). Likes: whipping (in the Commons, you filthy-minded animal). Dislikes: Free votes, smoking, choice.

1. George Galloway

Respect MP seeks cat-loving woman to settle down with. Smokers preferred (but don't touch my cigar stash). Must be good at stroking already-inflated egos. Likes: A saucer of milk left out. Dislikes: the US Senate.

A special mention must be made to Boris Johnson, who didn't quite make the top 10 on account of him being a foppish fool, but here is his entry:

Boris Johnson

Er...cripes! I never know what to put in these things. Crikey! Er...keen cyclist seeks top crumpet for extra-marital fun. Likes: my wife. Honestly darling, it was just one silly mistake! Dislikes: The entire population of Liverpool.

So there you have it - the list of politicians with whom you may want to get into a high-profile tangle, and make a few bob out of it by selling the story, too. Now excuse us, Londonist is off to vomit at the prospect.

Last Updated 14 February 2006