Capital Not One

By londonist_mark Last edited 158 months ago
Capital Not One

Imagine the scene. The execs over at Capital Radio are sitting round an over-sized, elaborately ornate, possibly mahogany board-room table and they discover they've LOST thirteen million listening hours! Thirteen million? Now that's sloppy by anyone's standards. Still, chances are thirteen million listening hours are going to look pretty obvious hanging about on a street corner, so if you spot them could you give the guys at Capital a call please.

The problem for Capital is, that Radios One and Two and some of those other pesky independant radio stations have got hold of some more of these magical hours, and suddenly Capital aren't London's numero uno station anymore. So the bosses at Capital call in their consumer insight team and they've come up with a nice new shiny logo with pretty, curly lettering. They've even dropped the old 95.8, hopefully safe in the knowledge that years of tedious telly advertising have drilled that infernal number so far into our consciousnesses that even a crack team of Guantanamo Bay interrogators with the complete works of Barney The Dinosaur won't be able to remove it from the memory.

But wait, there's more. Because shiny new logos are often the sign of a ship about to go down with all hands on deck, they also have a brand new policy and it's left the Londonist music team shaking in their collective boots. They are now going to be, and oh this is gonna kill ya:

Melodic, but not manufactured!

Anyone out there thinking that means an emphasis on singer-songwriters then a well deserved round of applause to you and that slow sinking sensation that society really can slip further into a quagmire of stifling mediocrity. Because what we're talking about here sounds suspiciously like James Blunt FM and that means we all need to start building rocket ships. And quickly.

One of Capital's bosses is quoted as saying: No one silver bullet can fix the problems Capital has had. This is true. You'll need far more bullets than that. We'd suggest at least a couple of thousand rounds, just in case some of those DJs really can run. Unfortunately, he apparently means they need a few more tricks up their sleeves to make themselves more distinctive within London's crowded FM marketplace. Tricks like 24 hour news and Richard Bacon. Or searing indictments of the appaling lives of hideous celebrities, spraying their wasteful oppulance like a tom cat with a leaky bladder from this guy (you might recognise him if you commute in London ever).

All in all, we can't think of any more reasons we're less likely to tune in to Capital than the ones they've already given us, unless of course they're still using Johnny Vaughan. And bugger us, they are.

Last Updated 10 January 2006