<i>I'm just a mean green mother...</i>

By sizemore Last edited 158 months ago
<i>I'm just a mean green mother...</i>

After the recent rise in exotic nature stories and yesterday's news that we were the zombie capital of the world things get a little weirder today. We just found out that plans are afoot to scupper the 2012 Olympics... no it's not a French armada intent on taking the moneypit back to Paris - it's killer brain-eating alien weeds from outerspace.

Well alien weeds anyway. It's a short story so here's the whole thing:

Builders working on the 2012 Olympic site in east London will have to clear large areas of Japanese knotweed and giant hogweed - two alien plants which have invaded the lower Lea valley. Giant hogweed grows up to 20ft high and can burn people on contact, and Japanese knotweed can cost £52,000 to clear from an area smaller than an Olympic pool. "It can grow several metres into the ground and through concrete. If you take it off site it has to be in sealed bags and costs an arm and a leg. You must take it to a special incinerator," said Mark Gallant of the Lea Rivers Trust.

No imagination these people. Why waste time and money removing the things when they could add so much enjoyment to the boring spectacle of people running and throwing things around. Everyone's seen people run around a track before, but add a few triffids and Japanese weedzillas and you've got entertainment not seen since the glory days of It's A Knockout. It'd make for a really memorable London Olympics if we sent a percentage of the athletes back home maimed by the plant life.

Last Updated 21 September 2005