Look, before you all start complaining again, we don’t have a thing against Croydon. It’s just that it seems to exude tales of filth and depravity like a Jarvis-Cocker-themed stag night. This week’s entry in the swollen annals of Croydon malaise concerns one Trent Budgen, whose name sounds like the outcome of one of those 'What’s your porn-star name?' websites. And aptly so, for Mr Budgen is being threatened with eviction by Croydon Council for shagging too loudly.
Neighbours complained after his incessant sex romps with partner Kirsty Geary were keeping people awake on the other side of the street. What a guy!
Trent Budgen, whose name also sounds appropriately like ‘bent truncheon’, has spawned 12 children and shows every sign of adding further to his lineage. Quoth the Budgeon:
"It's been said that I was keeping people up by having sex every night. Obviously I'm a man, but from what they've been saying you would think I was superhuman."
There’s got to be a Viz cartoon strip in there somewhere.
A Croydon councillor for housing praised a "long-suffering neighbour whose evidence helped the council take action against the problem." We're not exactly sure what the nature of the evidence was, but no doubt there was a mass debate over it. (We're sorry, but that old joke is mandatory in these circumstances.)
So, Trent Budgen, whose name is so nearly an anagram of 'budget tent', might soon be living in one. What he really needs is a house where the public could watch and encourage his coital capers. Some place where hammering away all night would actually lessen his chances of being evicted. Hmmm, we’re sure there are some dots to be joined here…