NO long winded run up to this event. We'll just hit you with the details:
EVENT ONE: Martini Knockout Relay
Four contestants in two teams take it in turns to dash 10 yards to a cocktail shaker, adding each of the ingredients to a dry martini until it is ready for consumption. The first team to drink the martini wins the event.
EVENT TWO: Cucumber Sandwich Discus
A plate of cucumber sandwiches is hurled and the distance between the nearest sandwich and the plate is measured. Nearest to the plate wins.
EVENT THREE: Vulgarity Hurdles
Athletes must complete a 200-yard circuit, gingerly stepping over obstacles in their path such as fast-food containers, cans of lager and noxious-smelling plimsolls.
EVENT FOUR: Freestyle Trouser Gymnastics
In the Pantaloon Arena, contestants perform a variety of manoeuvres with their trousers for a minute-and-a-half. Judges award points for style, élan and the maintenance of a crisp crease throughout. Points are deducted for ripped gussetts or removal of trousers.
EVENT FIVE: Quill Throwing
Points are awarded for distance attained and the tragic nature of fragments of poetry recited.
EVENT SIX: Relating of Anecdotes
Three contestants must begin recounting an anecdote in front of the judges. Extra points are awarded for finishing on the same anecdote as they began.
EVENT SEVEN: Bounders
Contestants must approach a lady and say such things to her as result in a slap on the face. The soonest to be slapped is the winner.
EVENT EIGHT: Ruffian Vaulting
Canes or umbrellas are deployed to vault over a drunken ruffian lying on the track.