A recipe for success?
Take one mockney lisping chef.
Send him to a Sarf London comprehensive school with TV cameras following his every move.
Allow him the standard budget of 37p to feed each child. (Bear in mind he's just fed his own babies on coucous, chicken and fresh fruit for £3.50)
Knead together with an Irish head dinner lady ("Ah he looks just like he does on TV")
Ensure that mockney chef says "Nice" or "Nice one" (Nicth one) each time he meets a child.
Present mockney chef looking worried with furrowed brow - "I've not been able to thleep all week".
Return to mockney's normal kitchen where he is king of the roost. Sprinkle on more colourful language - "I could eat a dogth arth - In fact a dogth arth would be nicther than thchool dinners".
Mix in two nutritionists who will surprise you by saying that shite food leads to shite people.
Force chef to look at ingredients with his 37p budget. "Do you have Google on your computer? Can you type in 'cheap nicth curry'?"
Marvel how mockney thinks he will be able to make chicken casserole and courgette foccacia within his budget. "I'm not going to even be able to say that, let alone cook it" says head dinner lady.
Cry as only one child orders the casserole. Watch children pick courgettes off foccacia - "It'd be nice without the green bits".
Sympathise that the mockney chef has been working so hard with the Sarf London kids that he can only see his own children at a photo shoot for his new book.
Sprinkle on some more "f" words as mockney throws trantrum when bossy dinner lady is not to impressed with his organisational skills "Yesterday is too late to be planning for today".
Add another tantrum from head dinner lady who refuses to learn "mentoring skills" at chef's other experiment (sorry), restaurant, Fifteen.
Throw in a dash of infantile innuendo to relax mockney chef. "Thith long piece of dough looks like a cock. Thspecially if I stand in front of it with two onions and thome parthley".
Finally, grill mockney chef until red as Head teacher announces he's way over budget with his chickpea and leek soup and Thai curry. And that the kids still prefer chips and frozen pizza.
Jamie's School Dinners is on each Wednesday at 9pm on Channel 4 and runs for four weeks.
