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12 Predictions For London In 2017

M@
By M@ Last edited 6 months ago
12 Predictions For London In 2017

Our annual gaze into the crystal ball.

January

After years of greeting visitors to the Natural History Museum, Dippy the Dinosaur finally leaves the atrium for a tour of the UK. Walt Disney Productions later takes the museum to court, for allegedly stealing the plot to one of its films.

February

Having frozen fares, increased capacity and successfully introduced night trains, the tube is once again popular with Londoners. But then one new sign undoes all that good work...

March

Big Ben falls silent as restoration work begins on the Elizabeth Tower. Following a public outcry, a popular and suitably gothic replacement is installed, to pipe out the hours while the bells are repaired.

Background photo by David Iliff. Licence CC-BY-SA.

April

As the full implications of Brexit and the Trump presidency hit home, London and New York explore ways to opt out of the growing omnishambles. One proposal would see the cities relocate mid-Atlantic to the Azores. The new island metropolis would be known as NYLon, and everyone would be welcome.

May

Central London reaches 'peak gentrification' when it's discovered that even the sparrows are living in fancy apartment blocks.

June

Buckingham Palace prepares to reopen to summer visitors. The parent company of Southern Rail successfully bids for the operating franchise.

July

To mark the 200th anniversary of the death of Jane Austen, selected works of classic literature are re-released for the modern age, including many London-set stories.

August

Emirates ends its sponsorship of the Thames cable car. The attraction is subsequently snapped up by Richard Branson and renamed the Virgin Dangle Pods. During high winds, the pods (or gondolinos) can tilt at up to 8 degrees, just like the company's west coast trains.

September

Sales at Leicester Square's Lego Store have been so strong that the company is able to buy-out the neighbouring shop and open a department that sells only board games. The acquisition is quickly closed down by the Monopoly and Mergers Commission.

October

Archaeologists on the Northern line extension uncover evidence of a palaeolithic tube network, including an ancient roundel and seat moquette.

(Actually spotted in the Enlightenment Galleries of the British Museum.)

November

After years of uncertainty and underfunding, plans for the Garden Bridge are dramatically scaled back. The redesigned structure is moved downriver to the more affordable Gallions Reach, where it commands spectacular views of Thamesmead and Beckton sewage treatment works. Renamed the Garden Pier, this much-needed infrastructure is proudly sponsored by Silvertown Chick 'N' Ribz.

December

As the first residents move in to the shiny new apartments around Battersea Power Station, one visitor seeks out the tradesman's entrance.

See how we predicted the year ahead for 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 and 2016, and leave your own predictions in the comments below.

Last Updated 31 December 2016

Tube Geek

Probably be some kind of terrorist attack somewhere. And someone will die. Perhaps

Greg Tingey

Could we PLEASE have Bagpuss' mending mice for the Big Ben clock-tower?