24 January 2017 | 2 °C

More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Will Noble
By Will Noble Last edited 14 months ago
More Of The Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say

Back in January we asked you what was the funniest thing you'd heard a tube driver say. We were overwhelmed by your responses. Then loads more of you wrote comments, from which we've created this: MORE Of the Funniest Things You've Heard Tube Drivers Say.

Add your own quotes and stories in the comments below, and who knows, maybe they'll appear in a third article.

Photo by chutney bannister in the Londonist Flickr pool

Tube drivers who should have stayed at home

"Sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen, but I've just been sick all over the cab, and have asked control to send someone to help clean up. You'll be pleased to know I feel much better now."  - Ditch

"Apologies for the delay, they're actually testing new self-driven trains. Oh wait, I don't think I was meant to tell you that..." - Scot

Sarcastic tube drivers

"Please stay behind the yellow line. It is located near your feet, is yellow in colour and resembles... a line." - Roo

"I can assure the passenger in the second carriage that it is not raining in the train. Please put your umbrella down." - Matthew Smith

Waiting to leave Stratford a group were running down the stairs and the driver announced "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, we're just going to wait for these people to rush along the platform so I can close the doors before they get here..." [he didn't] When they were on: "AS I WAS SAYING... Good evening ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to depart, 20 seconds late thanks to the people in carriage two, who can't run fast enough!" - JoMarie357

"Next station is [romantic] Acton Town." - Sue

"For those of you alighting here at Willesden Junction, welcome back to paradise." - Hannah

Serial offending tube drivers

On the (old) East London Line: "This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close."

Same driver, different day: 5:30pm: "That's it. Run for the train. It's the last train of the day." - EdFLondon

"Please stay behind the yellow line. It is located near your feet, is yellow in colour and resembles... a line." Photo by Simon & His Camera in the Londonist Flickr pool

Tube drivers with door trouble

"This is the third time I've had to re-open the doors because someone's blocking them. If it happens again I'll take this train out of service." - Snapper

"The doors... those big red things... board while they're open, not when they're closing!" - nemethv

"Please do not hold the doors open for your mates, this is a train not a taxi." - Cara091

"Will the person with their bag stuck in the door, or the banker with their wallet, please remove it, or this train won't be going anywhere." - Mark Beckwith

"Please stand clear of the closing doors"
[doors close, and promptly reopen because someone wasn't standing clear]
"PLEASE stand clear of the closing doors. They're closing... now."
[doors close and reopen again]
"The doors are the big red slidey things on the side of the train that open and close. Repeatedly." - Tony Bannister

This train has six carriages. When you all board the first one, it causes the floor to bend and the doors will not close.

Knowingly funny tube drivers

At St Paul's: "If you're popping upstairs, please have a word with the Big Man as we need all the help we can get today." - Martin Jones

"A diversion is currently in place at this station, so please follow the signs on the platform. I took the liberty of checking them myself, so I know they're there, and if you can't see them... well, you should have gone to Specsavers!" - Obby

New Year's Eve, around 10.30pm, on the Northern line, driver can't close the doors because of someone's jacket/bag/whatever: "PLEASE stay clear of the doors or we'll be here until next year!" - Tamara Schön Čerina

Station announcer on the Thameslink: "Here comes the 19.00 to Luton, 10 minutes late, tail between its legs." - Matt Brown

"If you feel confused, don't worry. As a driver of this train I've been going circles myself". This happened to me on the Circle line. - Imanuel Caushi

Overground at Sydenham: "If you're leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality." - debbiel

"Mrs Thatcher has just announced she is stepping down as prime minister. When jumping for joy, please be careful you do not fall on the track." Photo by smith in the Londonist Flickr pool

Political tube drivers

My own favourite memory was an announcement on the platform loudspeaker, not from a driver. It was in November 1990. "I have to tell you all that Mrs Thatcher has just announced she is stepping down as prime minister. When jumping for joy, please be careful you do not fall on the track." - Ranelagh

Prudish tube drivers

"Could the young couple in the second carriage please get a room!" - Matt. To which commenter called jo replied: "I think that was me! Was it at Finsbury Park?" Good work jo.

Rule-abiding tube drivers

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have to wait here for a moment as there is a red light ahead of us and my boss doesn't like it when I go through them." - potbus

"Please stand behind the yellow line, we want you inside the train, not under it." - Radek Simko

If you're leaving at the next station please mind the gap between the timetable and reality.

Confused tube drivers

"Ladies and gentlemen, you may have noticed we've stopped. I don't know why. They haven't told me." - Heather

As a tube finally appears out of the northerly mists at Wembley Park, over the loudspeaker comes: "I do apologise for the late arrival of this train - it got lost in the fog." [Station-wide applause] - AliStoneX

"We apologise for delays to your Piccadilly line service this morning. This was due to earlier late running." - Robert Wooley

Overheard tube drivers

District line driver talking to a colleague when aligting from the train at Richmond: "Richmond is very affluent, whereas Barking is more effluent." - Major Diby Dawlish

"For those of you alighting here at Willesden Junction, welcome back to paradise." Photo by Chris Guy in the Londonist Flickr pool

We wish we had this tube driver

Enjoyed a District line train towards Wimbledon a couple of years ago with a chatty driver, who [led] a chorus of Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life (people joined in — at least for the whistling!), between Wimbledon Park and Wimbledon. When we'd arrived at Wimbledon, lots of people stopped by the cabin at the front of the train to talk to him and thank him for what had been such a unique tube ride. - Juliet

On the East London line years ago, the driver would often play classical musical quietly over the speaker. Very relaxing. - Stephen Chapman

Hammersmith and City line: "Sorry for this short delay, why don't you take this opportunity to look up from your papers and smile at a stranger. Or even say hello". - Tracey McAndrews

Tube drivers with ideas above their station

"This is your captain speaking..." - Pina Gatward

On the Jubilee line a few years back, in a big booming voice: "This is the voice of the train! I know you can hear me, Londoners!" - RRuss

Always the doubters

A couple of comments from our first article:

"My apologies for the delay to the service. We forgot to stop at Kentish Town and must now reverse." This is clearly a lie as trains can't reverse... - Conor MacMahon

I have never heard anything like this at all!! Never nodded off in the tube. This is all made up!! - tapesh majumdar

Last Updated 27 November 2015

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Frank Jennings

"This is Leicester Square. Change here for getting drunk and the Piccadilly Line" said the driver one evening a couple of weeks ago to chuckles from passengers!

David Miller

From the Finsbury Park Piccadilly Line platform announcer last night: "Ladies and gentlemen, please use all parts of this train, they're all going to the same destination. Once inside, please move right down inside the cars"

Miala

At New Years Eve two years ago I caught the tube home from central shortly after midnight. The train was completely packed and at every station there was even more passengers who wanted on. At one point the driver said over the speaker "Happy new year to all you lovely folks! We are running a full service tonight ... I mean literately a full service, as the train is packed, and since you're on your way home this early, you clearly didn't hook up with anyone, so why not take the change now and get close to that hot guy or beautiful girl next to you, as you all need to scoop together so we can get those handsome people on the platform squished in as well".

Emma

Northern line one evening: ”Ladies and gentlemen, there might not be a northern line from Waterloo. I don’t know to be honest, there was a sign at the station before but I forgot to look. But instead you can go to…..eh, no, I tell you what, as you are going out tonight you probably checked online anyway and know already.”

Roona

A while back on the Jubilee line during summer holidays some kids ran on at the last minute and were messing around so the doors couldn't close. The driver was clearly very angry and decided to have a go at them so shouted "THIS IS A PLAYGROUND, *NOT* A TRAIN"..... poor guy didn't bother to correct himself.

Hugo L.

Conor MacMahon Trains can reverse...that's why they all have a reverser!

Clunking Fist

On 3 occasions: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have been advised that this [westbound] train will be held here at Leytonstone for a few minutes." Were upon perhaps a quarter of the passengers on my car got off, looking stressed and exasperated. A few seconds later the driver announces: "Ladies and gentlemen, this train is now ready to depart, please stand clear of the doors, please stand clear of the closing doors." The look on the face of the passengers left on the platform was priceless, although I did feel for them. I'm never sure why travellers are cutting it so fine that a few minutes makes much of a difference. It always amused me to see people running for westbound Jubilee trains at Stratford, all cramming into the last carriage, or just getting to the train in time for the doors to close in their face, so that they have to come back up the platform to cross to the train that is leaving in 50 seconds. I would always target the 3rd train, leaving in about 2 minutes: I could get a seat in a carriage that suits easy exit at Green Park, and avoid running/sweating.

grammarschoolman

The funniest thing I ever heard a tube driver say? 'We're going on strike for the benefit of passengers'. I split my sides at that one.

Catty

I enjoyed the driver who repeatedly said he couldn't hear us (the passengers) and we clearly were not excited enough for Notting Hill Carnival as we were too quiet. It was a little subdued actually. It was rainy this year.

GoodbyetoBerlin

They probably all got disciplined by TfL.

Tube Geek

This probably seems pointless, but I remember there being a station-wide applause once when I was on the tube. I think it was that one at Wembley Park AliStoneX mentioned, as when I go to London I often stay there.

Cynthia Vanzella

"Mind the doors... mind the doors... MIND THE CRAZY DOORS!"

Cynthia Vanzella

Another one, now on Victoria Line, 31st of December: "Ladies and gentlemen, good morning and welcome aboard to Victoria Line. This train is calling at (...blablabla...) and Brixton. We wish you a pleasant journey and thanks again for choosing Victoria Line". Everybody inside the train was looking to each other like "is this an airline?!?"

Tube Geek

The funniest thing I've heard a Tube Driver say is there is a good service, when that train was 5 minutes late and half the H&C and Circle lines were closed

Alex

On the DLR: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is Canary Wharf, change here for the Jubilee Line. But please don't go, the DLR is so much better". Also heard the probably not original "remember to take all your belongings with you, but please don't take anyone elses's, as that is a crime" and "please take your belongings with you; if you don't I'll just sell them on eBay"